Dogbane Beetle

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The cover page of this eight-page mini zine has a watercolor painting of an anatomical heart in the background, painted with a mix of different reds and lineart done in black, brown, and white. The letters I, W, A, N, T, and an exclamation mark are in front of the heart, spelling the title I WANT!

The first page has a black background, with the dissected nervous system of Harriet Cole centered in the middle. The following text in white wraps around it: ‘TO FEEL MORE ALIVE THAN THIS! LESS ALIVE? TO WAKE UP-- COOL, DRY DESERT AIR ON MY SKIN-- & BREATHE IN ITS BLESSING & KNOW ITS GOODNESS. FOR MY BODY TO BE FREE OF THE FEAR THAT CAGES IT-- KEEPS ITS COLLAR ON TIGHT & MAKES THE SKIN RAWER & REDDER EACH DAY. I NEED TO KNOW & LOVE MY BODY DEEPLY. MY GUT CANNOT JUST FALL APART, TEARING ITSELF ASUNDER WITH HUNGER WHEN MY STRESS EMPTIES IT. WHEN MY HEART IS SO WEARY MY BODY FEELS IT HAS NO CHOICE-- STOP OR BE STOPPED. WHEN I THINK IT MUST BE TAKING ITSELF APART, WITH ALL ITS PAIN. I NEED A MORE CONNECTED SELF. I MUST LIVE FULLY.’ The second page has a white background and is covered in photos of different colored pressed flowers– one pink, one purple, one light yellow and purple, one dark blue and white, one yellow, and two orange. laid over the flowers, mostly filling the space between them, is the text ‘TO BLOOM IN THIS BODY, OR MAYBE JUST FIND SOME SOLACE IN IT-- THE OLD ATLAS-- EVEN IF I FEEL PINNED DOWN-- ABSORBING WHAT IT OFFERS AND GIVING PART OF MYSELF IN RETURN.’

The third page has a white background and, in the top right corner, an odd drawing of a pomegranate that’s sort of blooming still on the tree– its tough skin peeled back to reveal seeds. In the bottom left corner, there’s a sort of abstract and wavy drawing of a sun in pink and orange. The text on the page is a dark red/pink and squeezes between the two images, saying ‘to return to a more passionate state of living-- to be in love with everything around me. to feel my love hit me like a landslide– filling and overflowing. for it to settle, shift, change until it’s a part of me. maybe, to see the sun and smile; feel its heat on my cheeks, and know that i am a cup full of so much.’ The fourth page has a white background and, in the bottom right corner, two images. One is of a little statue of a small bull that is metal and colored turquoise in many spots titled ‘Toro bebé’ by Heriberto Juarez. On the right of it is an image of a sword with the blade pointing toward the top of the page. Filling the rest of the page is text in a dark teal-green color that says ‘to feel strong-- heavyset and sturdy like an old bull, like a creature who knows itself stronger than the hunter. to feel the blade on my skin and be unafraid. to feel like a mother bear, protector, calm & loving fiercely, prepared. to be a man who takes a sword in my hand and never uses it. a woman who holds you close & lets you be weak. to be strong.’

The fifth and sixth page are a single spread, most of which is taken up by the piece ‘Knight at the Crossroads’ by Victor Vasnetsov. It depicts a knight with a shield on his back and a long spear sitting on the back of a white horse that has its head bowed, both looking at a grave. Around the grave, there is an animal and human skull, other graves with crows or ravens on them, and a crow or raven flying. Grass extends into the distance, with more graves here and there, and the sky seems like it’s likely dawn. On either side of the painting, there are images of pressed flowers– one looking somewhat like pink lavender, and the other with several bunches of small flowers on a stem. The top of the page has a dark brown background that blends into the border around the painting, and a light yellow text on it that says the following: ‘to feel strong like a man heavy with grief, knowing he can only move forward. to be strong-- so soft, loving, despite it all. to breathe in the fragrance of a flower and feel at peace. to not need to be cold to survive. to feel at home in my body, self, world-- know that this is strength.’

The last page starts with just a list of credits at the top, saying ‘Credit for non-open access sources: 1. Nervous system of Harriet Cole, dissected by Dr. Rufus B. Weaver 2. “Toro bebé” Heriberto Juárez 3. “Knight at the Crossroads” Victor Vasnetsov.’ Underneath that, there’s a dotted line, and below that, the text ‘thanks so much for reading!’, ‘by Xalli’, and ‘jun 29, 2024’, and next to those is pixel art of a yellow crescent moon. Near the bottom of the page, there’s more pixel art of two personified hearts, leaning against each other and snoring, with little hearts floating away from them. Wrapped around this image is text that says 'tumblr: canineical’, ‘insta: saintpsyop’, and ‘neocities: tehuan’.