i've spent a lot of time trying to define myself here & in general, and put myself into endless boxes (each time thinking it must not be a box this time, being so small and precise), and forced my behavior into rules until i abandoned projects, interests, curiosities in favor of what i felt i could do more perfectly. none of it has worked, so i'm writing a bad bio for myself to see if i can force myself free from the clay cast i've formed myself too, and maybe then i'll become something more me, whoever that is. hopefully not someone that fits into more boxes

some small things i know: my name is xalli, and i use any pronouns except they/them. i do not like being between things, but being everything strongly, which makes my life more complicated. i know i love to write, even though i do it very minimally, and i love people, even when they frustrate & exhaust & disappoint me, and i think it will be very hard for the world to make me stop loving people

i wish i was a less jealous person, and that i didn't feel so stuck in social media glue traps. i would love to do more-- go outside more, read more, think more-- but i spend a lot of time without energy to do anything but numb myself further. i think exhaustion is a truth and an excuse. i could at least rest my eyes, wake up ready to take the world in. i am writing this late at night and full of love & energy from a wonderful night, so i don't know why i feel so sad, too

i think sadness is easier sometimes, even if i wish it wasn't. it's easier to wallow than let go of the fear that comes from love & joy. i'm grateful my life is full of that love & joy anyway. i am surrounded by the most beautiful people, and i learn more every day. this world is a blessing despite all its horrors

i am so lucky to be here, writing to you (me), comfortable in bed, an eye on the za'atar i'm trying to keep alive. i'll go water it now

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