jeremy allen white should not be so attractive to me it's unfair. like i am not a person who likes white men but ohhhh my god!

it's kind of funny, though-- he looks so wildly different in different photos for some reason? sometimes i'm like who is this weird white man and sometimes it's just. wow.

also though i think i especially like him because i know him as carmy [my love] in the bear. there is something so incredibly captivating to me about his character. he's intense, but aware of that, and very surprisingly emotionally intelligent for someone so traumatized who has not gone to therapy. his little sign language "i'm sorry"s get me every time. agh.

anyway. he's my one [1] white man crush. i'm allowed one. as a treat.

long day today… so sleepy now.! i started reading martyr! by kaveh akbar n fell in love with it right away & i love this new flannel sooooo much & i just got donuts n ice cream with my parents :] donut i chose was called yo la mango which is fucking amazing n so funny to me, even though i've never actually listened to them before (until now)

i modeled today for the first time and it was so wild n tiring n really fun ! i need rest now, though. i'm genuinely so exhausted, it's absurd. life is beautiful fr y'all

just saw a blog post of a friend's n remembered that updates etc don't have to be poetic to be beautiful n worth reading and that this is for me ! for connection & community & getting shit off my chest ! so hi i'm here n fuck grammar & long live speaking freely

been working a lot these last couple days b/c i started an internship with this sick as fuck upcycling fashion company/sew shop and it's 7 hour days plus like an hour driving, but i'm alive ! the people are all so lovely & the time honestly passes quickly. for some reason though, i never want food while i'm there ? like i can't get hungry at work for some reason... it's a hassle to force my body to eat lunch

they asked me to model for some photos for their website tomorrow, so that's really exciting and a bit nerve-racking. i think it should be fun though ! we'll see :] i have to bring a lot of pairs of shoes & jewelery though... sigh ! i have more to say but it's more poetic so i'll save it for when i'm less tired n wanna explore the thought more

hello! it's been a minute. i wrote about most of what's been happening recently in my 'blog' post about guatemala, so i'm not going to cover that all that much here. i'm incredibly tired tonight. i meditated yesterday like midway through the day & i think it gave my day today more life. i also passed out with all the lights on, my room door open, and an audiobook playing, so like... that was sort of a first. falling asleep accidentally isn't something i never do, just not usually with the lights on, a door open, and an audiobook playing. i felt a little sad, though, because my girlfriend and i like to call over discord while we sleep and didn't get to

today was good, though. i woke up refreshed and had a nice morning and just... did good things all day. lots of reading. lots of me time! and i didn't feel lonely, which was weird but made me happy. i cooked dinner for family which just went awfully (which is something that i don't think has ever happened to me with cooking) and i was really sad about it, but we saved it, and it turned out pretty solid

i finally found a cool symptom tracker that i'll hopefully stick to... and started using a little diary app again that i used to be really consistent about and then dropped off with. i'm hoping this works out for me, but we'll see. i might try to meditate for a couple minutes right now, before my girlfriend and i call and play some fear & hunger. and then it's bedtime!

oh my god this was such a leap i literally decided last night and just Went for it but i got a haircut and i'm SO HAPPY WITH IT!! MOHAWK FOR THE WIN!!

i feel so absurdly excited, i don't even know what to do with myself. it's so fun & freeing!!

the comedown after my girlfriend leaves is so bad y'all, i'm so fucking bored & sad & hormonal. i literally don't know what to do with myself. it's kind of wild that we can experience such intense withdrawl just from like... not being around people that make our brains produce happy hormones. absolutely unreal

anyway, the show last night was really fun. the two of us spent a while together beforehand and just had a really fun time together, and then the music was great & i got some cool merch, too ! we spent some time in mcdonald's together afterward and just talked and i swear i was like... falling in love with her again. she just looked so beautiful and i couldn't get over her grin or laugh or the way her eyes crinkled. i don't know

the two of us just had so much fun. now i'm just sitting here like wtf is there to do? i'm bored out of my mind and just want to kiss my girlfriend and watch tv and play brawl stars and go to shows and do stupid, playful shit. we have band practice later and i'll see her on sunday at my mom's birthday party, and we'll hopefully get to sleep over next week, too, but i'm just like. agh!

i had more to say about tuesday, though, also. none of my classes had anything to do and we ended up playing a very edgy, grungey came called lunch money during calculus with a acquaintance/friend and someone we had a lot of drama/issues with for a while, even though we'd been really close before. it was nice to be okay again, even if i think he still hasn't learned how to not be shitty and it's so, so annoying. he has so much potential to be cool! and he just continues to be a dickish cis guy who's weird about girls and has too much pride to apologize for ignorant shit he says

anyway, it was a fun game. i found it annoying how charming he is (he's always been like that), but it was silly & chill and honestly a great game itself, also. we just ate candy & hung out & had fun

god gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers (short in the mosh pit)

started watching killing eve with my girlfriend & it's kind of amazing. so fun & frustrating & well done

i'm exhausted, but doing better than i was earlier. life is so weird. i don't understand why emotions just keep taking sharp fucking turns. be more predictable, please !

anyway, it's fine. i'm alive. my dog is sleeping in my room & she's been such a dick today & i feel okay. i have more to say about today, but i'll write about it another time, probably

it's literally so sick that school is over. like obviously i'm excited to some extent but also oh my god.... i just keep getting closer to graduating and it makes me feel so queasy. like why the fuck !!! i don't want to, yet. i'm not ready for that

it's not even like all the huge changes. i know i can make friends & enjoy a new city & i feel like i'll be fine on my own, if a bit homesick, but there's like one specific fear & stress that is absolutely killing me. i don't want to talk about it too much online, but it's just so odd. why are some changes so much more terrifying than others?

i'm going to a show with my girlfriend tomorrow, which is exciting. i know it'll be really fun. i just feel blegh. i want to stop time

i reaaaaaaally need a boombox and also to stop obsessively looking for the perfect one on ebay. i do this often with shopping. i get one thing in my head and just don't stop until i find the perfect deal or best product or whatever. it's so bad, but at least i'm not spending carelessly? i don't know. i still spend too much

but then also, too much for what? obviously, i have to save to some extent, but i wonder how much of my guilt is just fear-- like maybe the joy it'll bring me still isn't worth much. i hate money

the camera is really wonderful-- i'm so fucking grateful for it, y'all. it's genuinely just so much fun to play with ! my girlfriend kept stealing it from me all day to take photos of me, and it was really cute to see her excited about it, too

i can't wait to keep learning it better & downloading photos and having fun with it ! all the amazing flower pics i'll get out of it :] stupid photos of friends :]

i keep rereading this one poem on tumblr and it gets me every time. i don't know why i love it so much, but i just can't get it out of my head. i also now cannot stop thinking about typewriters and how amazing they are in forcing you to careful with your words. it's like suddenly everything is delicate & fragile in that carelessness can 'ruin' the page, but strong in how fucking up a line isn't really ruining anything. i don't know. big thoughts about taking it slow !

i've got a new way of doing these, now. writing my thoughts on my personal tumblr blog or putting it in my notes app & then transferring them to here later with the time written. i don't know why i always felt like i had to be able to write on my computer on neocities at the exact moment i wanted to write to be able to put something into this notebook

it's been a long week. i've only got two more days of school, and i don't know how to feel about it. i'm excited for summer but also really stressed about it because i'm sort of non-stop busy. it's all this amazing stuff i'm really grateful for, but i just can't help but be overwhelmed

my friends and i tried to go to a museum's free jazz night for a joint birthday thing, but it ended up sort of falling apart because it was so stupidly packed. we sat at a restaurant and picked at some shitty food and listened to some nice jazz and then left. it was still a nice experience, just not what we were hoping for

i got lunch with my dad & grandparents yesterday which was really nice, and finally got an awesome compact camera! i'll share it in a bit. after, i spent some time with my other grandparents and my mom, and we went to see my grandma's art show before heading to see the performance of an immersive theatre show a few of my friends and i helped right part of!

generally a pretty cool day, but i woke up exhausted and now i'm just like... hanging out until i go to food not bombs yesterday. i just feel really drained, i guess. hopefully it'll help to go

okay, so this weekend was exhausting and fun as fuck. i had my other friend's birthday party and we played a very odd like... mafia/one night, ultimate werewolf/D&D type game, and it was so much fun! we also ate some absolutely amazing sushi and it was just so nice to spend time with everyone

i went over to my girlfriend's house on saturday and we just did a lot of hanging out and i watched while she sewed a pair of jorts ! later, i took her out to her favorite indian restaurant and bought us a pint of taro ice cream too which we very much devoured. we played chess & i was a sore loser and we started & finished baby reindeer over the course of the sleepover and it was just so nice :]

i'm really exhausted though. sleepovers always take it out of me for some reason. it's like a very weird off feeling that sticks around for the rest of the day. oh well!

it was my girlfriend's birthday today and it was so nice to give her all my gifts :] i got her a strawberry switchblade shirt, hollow knight earrings, a little grub keychain, and a mini handheld sewing machine !

we're gonna spend some time together this weekend and i really can't wait

untitled, this body : I've seen “Untitled” (Portrait of Ross in L.A.) countless times online, and I think only once in person-- I specifically remember visiting it when I lived in Chicago as around a 5 year old, and getting oddly squeamish about it. I find myself coming back to the piece, and the way it asks viewers to become a part of the disappearing of Ross. I think a lot of people shy away from that-- wanting to let the HIV/AIDS epidemic feel like a history. Having to step into the role of living in something we know so well as wrong is uncomfortable, even if we're complacent in other adjacent issues today, and I wanted to explore that in "untitled, this body." I wanted to navigate acknowledging this death & the cycles of death that begin if we don't.

The Rebirth of Venus as a Dyke : The idea of death & rebirth as we come into new identities is something I've been exploring for a long time, and this poem is definitely an artifact of that. I'd say I worked on it for about three years continuously-- editing and editing and editing until I could make a new version of the Ship of Theseus problem with it-- and I still wouldn't say it's finished, but I've moved onto new poems by this point. I think that the multifaceted nature of queer identity and coming into it-- let alone trying to guide others into the same process-- is something that almost always required reinvention in some form, and I've been through that process more times than feels feasible. It's exhausting, and feels like something final & reciprocal just has to be at the end of it. I've found that in a way I wouldn't have expected, now, but "The Rebirth of Venus as a Dyke" is about not knowing that life yet-- stuck in a cycle.

Sickness in a Cool, Coastal Wood : I spend far too much time thinking about how many bodies fill our Earth and how incredibly weird that is. Slowly, the thought has evolved to also explore the kinds of bodies that fill our Earth-- who and why, and how we've treated them in life and death-- which is the thought process that initially sparked "Sickness in a Cool, Coastal Wood." I dove specifically into the story of the HIV/AIDS epidemic through a natural lens, wanting to challenge the deeming of queerness as unnatural by allowing it to be nature itself-- allowing the disdain, neglect, and abuse to be unnatural. I think that mourning doves are more than an accurate symbol for our community, and I wanted to express that.

least favorite feeling ever on earth is when your sinuses get so stuffy that your ears feel like they fill with air and just won't pop. literally everything else about head colds is like... annoying but managable. but ear pressure? killing myself.

anyway, i'm doing okay despite that. working on a zine i like a lot. have a blog post thing in mind, too !

even thinking about college essay writing is stressing me out now. it was fine at first, but getting told to not use the words disabled/chronic illness because colleges will discriminating was absolutely heartbreaking and now it all feels utterly fake. i was letting it be true & beautiful, and now it's just a game again

oh well. i'll get them done at some point

there is no better feeling than someone giving you a nickname. it doesn't even have to be creative-- i've melted every time someone called me xal instead of xalli or something

it feels like such a significant transitional moment from strangers or acquaintances or mutuals to something more familiar. idk. intimacy in small moments etc etc. more thoughts to come

my eyes are heavy this time. i'm so exhausted it's absurd! my body doesn't want to take it anymore, i feel. it's the weekend, now, thankfully, but good lord! hopefully i'll get to be outside a bit more n not just staring at a screen

i have to write this godawful essay i really can't wait to get over with. i just know it isn't going to be even remotely good, because it's a synthesis essay and the sources we've been given are awful and wildly unrelated! i hate it

it's okay, though. i'm going to spend some time in the sun & then i'm gonna get my shit done & then i'm gonna have the loveliest weekend with my girlfriend & community

heavy heart, almost aching. i had a few mini panic attacks last night-- not sparked by anything in particular, but clearly about all the things that i'm stressing about. it feels like a filter over my life anytime i'm not with lots of friends. alone, with her, texting or calling, whatever. the weight sits on my heart/shoulders/chest. feeling too much like the nightmare [henry fuseli], but maybe without the context of what it's actually supposed to be

it's frustrating. there's so many things i'm trying & wanting to be. i'm hoping i can be them

i think things will be okay. i think i will be happy, and that it'll work out how it's meant to. i'm just more afraid of uncertainty than i thought, i guess. not in general, but these hyperspecific ways. it's overwhelming, but i'll figure it out

trying out a new, less formalized type of notebook. just feeling. traditional sentence structure can die-- who needs that shit?

coming to the realization that what you thought you knew was the problem was sort of a red herring is the most startling & destabilizing experience. it's so odd to feel this out of touch with myself. i start to wonder what else my mind is hiding from me

i don't know when i started referring to my mind as this sort of second entity, but it's been a long time, and it feels sort of absurd. i'm walking a line between wanting to take responsibility for my mind-- knowing that it is me & i am it and i can't discard it as this other, unknowable being-- and knowing that there is so much about it i don't know, and maybe don't even know that i don't know

my mom recently asked me if i remembered when she had to move me into her office so i could work near her during the COVID-19 lockdowns because she didn't trust me to be alone, and i had to laugh awkwardly as if it was a painful & maybe even painfully embarrassing memory, but i racked my brain for even the vaguest hint of that experience and found nothing

i've been thinking about that a lot as i keep uncovering more insecurities & fears i didn't know i had, and it sort of haunts me. i've had this vague feeling for a few years now that there's a lot i don't remember from elementary school, but i haven't been able to place what (obvioussly) or why (more worrisome). it feels more and more like a possible reality, and i don't know what to do with that. it's most uncomfortable that i don't know why i don't remember, because i know my parents wouldn't know, either. i knew & thought a lot more than i ever said, and i don't imagine they know, now, what i knew then & how that could have fucked me up

i feel sort of lost trying to uncover all this now. oh, this is such a stupid metaphor, but i guess i've spent the last few thinking of my mind as something running on java. if there's a error, it'll be apparent right away to fix. now, i'm getting closer & closer to college, and i'm realizing i'm actually running on some shitty python spagehtti code with a fuck ton of errors i haven't encountered the right loops to find until now, and it's overwhelming

i don't know where to start. it's not like i can fix this in a year, but i need to get some work done. and god, it's such painful work

i need to write more, i feel like. maybe i'll write a blog and use this as the start. or maybe i'll do the therapy exercises i should probably actually do

shit has been worse lately than it has in a while. not like day to day-- that stuff is actually fine. i've been really enjoying myself. i love my girlfriend & spending time (and doing others things...) with her, and that art show we went to was so beautiful, and we made ube waffles this morning, and i had a great time playing bass & calling a friend & getting some work done, today

typing it all out makes me feel like things haven't really been so bad, but i guess the issue is just how much time i've had to think lately

there's just so much swirling around in my head. so many impending changes that aren't stressful in most ways except one incredibly stressful way, and i'm realizing more & more that i'm just so... lonely, now. i didn't used to be this lonely, i don't think. it's not even that i don't have friends or anything, but i just can't talk to some of them for one reason or another (awful, controlling parents & time zones & Disability, mainly), and it's a little sad

i love who i do talk to, though. i know it's okay, and i'm happy, but i'm just os anxious, too. i feel more insecure than i've felt since like... middle school. i know people love me, but if anyone points out specific things they love, i find myself getting surprised. it feels so odd to backslide so many years of progress. i'm not even sure quite why i'm feeling so insecure, but i am

i know it'll be okay, but it's a lot. i don't know what to do with myself or how to recover some of that progress

i think i'm just going to keep trying to be with the people i love & do the things i have and like... idk, ask for reassurance, maybe? we'll see

it's been an incredibly tiring week ! i really wanted to write something on like... monday, but i just haven't had any energy or motivation

i went to an awesome show with my girlfriend on saturday night ! one of the mosh pits was like... one of the best ever. maybe my favorite so far? i just had so much fun with her & it was a great night and we bought some awesome zines & a CD & stuff ! some of the bands (mostly the cis guy thrash metal ones) were annoying, but i loved a few of them

the week since then has been a lot, though. i've just had so many exams and i'm so burnt out at this point it's literally unreal

i'm going to leave for an art show of someone my girlfriend and i know from food not bombs in like an hour, and that should be awesome ! and then she's gonna spend the night :] so it's a nice end to a fucking exhausting week

i woke up this morning to my dark room & birds chatting. it was such an odd feeling, and i laid in it for a while. i actually thought of that first line almost as soon as i woke up

my shoulder hurts from how much my bass's strap dug into it yesterday during practice. oh yeah! i had my first band practice with my girlfriend & our new drummer yesterday :] it was so much fun & we made such good progress with figuring out drum parts for the songs we'd already written. i can't wait for us to start writing New songs together, too

we had a dog training class this morning, which was helpful but tiring. athena refuses to bow for some reason, though thankfully she does better with the more serious stuff. after that, i went to an art show my grandma had some pieces at! it was so beautiful & the house it was hosted at was absurdly large-- very old money. they had a garden my girlfriend assumed was a botanical garden when i sent her photos & asked her where she thought i was, and a pool house that looked like a guest house, and an entire mini shack fulled with kid's toys, and a whole ceramics studio, and one of the largest pools i've ever seen, and also this odd bush labyrinth thing? overly huge in every way

anyway, tonight should be nice, too. i'm going to a fentanyl awareness fundraiser that's a sort of mini punk music festival/zine fest/etc with my girlfriend, and i'm pretty excited for it! i'm tired, though, too... i don't think this weekend is going to exactly be rejuvenating...

next weekend, i guess!

the shower ended up helping a lot, and our picnic was so absolutely lovely ! it was so nice out and listening to music & laying together was just wonderful

i'm exhausted, though, still ! i can't even care about my classes anymore, and still i have to go to them-- it's awful. i feel overwheled in so many ways right now. there's a couple important conversations i really need to have, and i think getting those over with will help a lot, but for now, at least, it's all just so much. i've never felt so burnt out

i know it'll be alright, though. i'm still taking care of myelf & enjoying my life as much as i can despite it all, and i'm getting a lot of good work done

i hope things get easier soon. i'm not sure if it will. we'll see

i hate the feeling on mornings you shsould've been able to sleep in, but woke up early and laid in bed for hours-- or maybe you did manage to sleep in, but ended up laying in bed for hours anyway. i always feel so gross and stale afterward

it happened this morning, and i'm hoping i'll kick that feeling by taking a shower [which i'll likely do after writing this]. i need to feel fresher again

i'm going to go on a picnic with my girlfriend later, i think-- i'm hoping. i miss going out and doing things. it's odd to miss, because i definitely have been going out, but i don't feel like i have been-- like my mind is somehow trapped at home regardless of how little my body is

i don't know. it's all so odd. i'm near the end of 'salt houses', which is exciting. it's such a wonderful book, so incredibly well-written. i'm excited to write my review. i need to take a shower, now

i watched old boy with my girlfriend last night, and i don't know if i've ever seen such a weird movie. like genuinely, what the fuck? it was well done & maybe a favorite, but like... in a bad way. i don't even know how to describe it

made pancakes this morning & set up my desk at last, and i think it looks really nice ! the keyboard is taking a lot of getting used to, but that's alright. i'll get there !

i'm feeling a little heavy in a physical & emotional way right now, and trying to figure out how to deal with that. i don't really know what to do with myself, but i think i'll figure it out

my uncle and his girlfriend dropped by today, and we got bubble waffles & walked around a cool neighborhood & i bought a zine, and i felt good. i'm hoping that maybe i'll be able to go back to where i bought it and see if i can sell my own zines there. here's to hoping

it's nice to be driving now, also-- to know i could head anywhere and do whatever i needed to do for myself. it's so wonderful

i'm going to do some volunteering tomorrow with FNB, but i think i'll head to the park on monday and just enjoy myself. i have the day off-- i should enjoy it. i need to go outside more than i have been

TO-DO LIST:

i've been feeling so tired, but so glad to be resting, too

i've been buying a lot of things lately, which likely isn't the best call, but oh well. i don't splurge often, anyway. i'm really happy to finally have a mini printer for zine stuff, and i finally replaced the old kindle paperwhite i lost. the most exciting thing in my opinion, though, is that i'm redoing my desk setup so i can avoid the awful wrist pain + back/neck pain i've been getting from awful posture at my computer (and my incredibly heavy backpack). i got the cutest ergonomic keyboard (which is a little bit unreadable if i'm being real) and an ergonomic mouse too that has somewhat matching colors ! it hasn't come yet, but i also got a little computer riser

i spent a little more money yesterday, too, when i got these lovely little earings & a cute creature ceramic from a cool fundraiser ! i'm so happy with it all

i'm hoping to get back to writing a little more and keep making zines in the near future. i got a 34 on my ACT by some god given miracle, so i feel at least a little free to do whatever i want. especially with my mini printer, now !

yesterday and today have been surprisingly wonderful! i feel really joyful and at ease right now [for the most part... a physics exam tomorrow is not very exciting, but the world is good aside from that!]

i passed my driver's test and i'm so grateful for it, honestly more because i no longer have to worry about it than because i'm happy i can drive now. it's such a relief, and life is definitely going to get a bit easier in that regard

the rest of yesterday was pretty long, too... i had a bass lesson which was helpful but tiring [i really need to ask if we can cut them down from an hour to half an hour], and then i went to what was one of my favorite shows i've ever been to by far !

i'll admit that i've been apprehensive about folk punk, but it's growing on me a bit... seeing sister wife sex strike along with theirr amazing openers [rent strike & moon bandits] was just so amazing? the entire crowd was trans & queer as hell, and the pit was a lot of two-stepping and dancing alongside basic moshing and the energy was just so wonderful. i've never seen such engaging & funny performers and i felt just... very at home. i don't know how to describe it

a lot of the merch was sliding scale which is really cool to me, and someone really cool-seeming asked me for my instagram after the show which was just... so nice! there's something about the friendly atmosphere that made it all so fun. moshing with the people who just sold me shirts & patches and are wearing the piñata/paper mache clown-head-thing that the first band threw into the crowd is very fun

my girlfriend woke up sick today which is really sad, but it's sort of odd, because i expected the day to kind of suck [my less enjoyable classes and a lack of girlfriend], but it managed to still be relatively chill & enjoyable and i had like... a good day. i finished sewing patche onto a new shirt and added some safety pins & buttons to it, too, and i watched some tv, and i finished & reviewed a book, and i felt fulfilled

i'm hoping tomorrow's the same, but who knows. not me, i guess

i'm nearing the end of a very busy period of my life right now... today is the last day for a few weeks that's full to the brim of things, and then i'm free at last!

standardized testing is awful but i had to deal with a five hour one on sunday and i've been pretty drained since... i'm taking my last chance at the driver's test for a while today, and then i have a bass lesson, and then i'm going to a show because a band my girlfriend & i like for some reason decided to play in our city at 9pm on a tuesday. anyway... i'm honestly not looking forward to anything, even though i know the second two things will be fun

i volunteered with food not bombs on sunday, too, though, and that was wonderful

i've watched a lot of movies lately. leave the world behind was odd and i enjoyed it for the most part, and the wailing was intense and amazing and very confusing. if you've seen it, this analysis was pretty interesting

reading has not been a strong suit so far this month... i need to at least finish a couple books, but i don't know if it's going to happen. here's to hoping, i guess

wow, it's been a long time since i've said much. last week was spring break, so i've been sort of all over the place. not even the second day into break, i organized and deep cleaned my entire room... i have a couch in there, now :] it was so cathartic and i'm so glad to have a nicer space now

i went to hanif abdurraqib's book tour last tuesday and it was so wondeful to hear him talk. he really does speak how he writes, and he was right to call himself earnest. i've been using the word more since i saw him. he had so many wonderful things to say... i especially remember him describing how he wanted to be like dogs looking out car windows and how he wanted to approach life with that sort of awe. i've never felt so seen!

i loved how he compared sampling to replaying a moment over and over again through a whole song and talked about memory/repetition in general. it was so cool. i got a book signed by him, too, and got to talk a little :]

my family and i left on a trip for montreal the day after... we'd basically only stayed so long into break so we could see him. it was so beautiful there, though. we ate a lot of good food [the sushi was my favorite] and i checked out mcgill and it was just a wonderful time. it snowed so much while we were there, too ! i've definitely re-learned how to dress for the cold

getting to see the total eclipse on monday was something else. i've never been so stunned by the natural world. it was incredible and so odd and a bit uncomfortable in the way important spiritual/emotional things are. i'm so glad i missed a couple days of classes to see it. it was more than worth it

i'm glad to be home. i've missed my space & my dog & my girlfriend & routine. i feel like there's a lot of things coming up for me, but i feel okay about it. i feel like things won't be too rough

i've been surprisingly busy lately, i feel. not overly, but surprisingly. i completely cleared out my room today, and reorganized a lot, too. i have a couch in my room, now, and a desk i can actually use [it's cleared off & nicely setup for use], and a heated blanket on the way so i'll actually want to get out of bed and do work at my desk. it feels so wonderful to have a clearer & cleaner room

i went thrifting with my mom & her partner yesterday, mainly to get her partner some 'maternity' clothes, which meant men's shirts & pants with stretchy waistbands or drawstrings. it was really nice, actually, and we grabbed cupcakes & pizza, too. i got a little backpack i'm excited to use an a few nice pieces of clothing

i've wanted to write every day since the 29th, but things kept getting in the way. i finally made a pins & dream journal page, and i'm proud of what i've put up on them so far. i feel good & excited

when i finish a book, i usually look through other people's reviews of it, as a way to sort of 'discuss' without discussing, since my friends tend to not read as much as me, nor the same things as me when they do, and i found a review of a house on mango street that's left me sort of entranced

3.0 Stars. Beautiful, but I think I’m too old now. Too beautiful for me to understand.

i want to have thoughts on it, but i feel like having opinions on the idea is unnecessary. it doesn't need judgment or encouragement-- just to be

tomorrow is going to treat me well, i think. i hope it does

addendum: i forgot to note that we made a really nice breakfast this morning-- tofu scramble + banana pancakes & caremalized apple-- and ate together. my mom's partner made us little easter baskets full of sweets, even though we don't really celebrate easter anymore. it was really sweet, and i'm glad to have even more snacks than before

it's been a minute since i've written because i've been utterly exhausted. seeing BALTHVS on monday was amazing, but it was only the start to a very long week

i'm a bit sad that their music is significantly less enjoyable on spotify than in person, but i guess that does tend to be the norm for psychedelic rock. it's alright-- i've been enjoying other music and pushing my way through notes from the underground, too. i'm almost finished-- only about fifteen minutes left to listen to

on tuesday, i went on a field trip of sorts with a genre writing class i have this semester, and it was so incredible. we drove to a pro wrestling gym about an hour out from where i live, and it was so entrancing to watch them work-- loud, sweaty, passionate, and excited. the dedication is incredible in funny & serious matches & characters alike

i got to talk to a couple wrestlers as they called their moves for a 10 minute match, and i learned so much-- watching the gears turn in their minds as they figured out how best to put a story together in all their movement. everyone was so kind & cool. i love creativity with our bodies, and the way they handled themselves to stay safe & put on a show was just... i don't even know how to describe it

it was late when i got back home, though-- already 10 at night, and i've been fairly tired since then. i folded my clothes last night and then got struck with immense sleepiiness-- crawled into bed and passed out right away. i can't wait to be less tired

my city's farmer's market is today, and i'm going to wander around it with friends for a little while, hopefully. it'll be nice to eat good food and feel the cold night air on my skin and be around so much life

i saw a beautiful colombian psychedelic rock band tonight. i forgot how wonderful it is to dance at those shows-- to the long songs & heavy bass. i felt so fluid and open in my body, the only real restriction being that i wanted so badly to play with my hair, scrunching it in my hands and mess it up, and had to stop myself. maybe i shouldn't have, but it felt too vulnerable to do there-- to dance that freely. hair really is a freeing thing. i can feel my heat flow from every strand

the way the bassist moved while she played [& sang] was entrancing. she rested her bass against her hip and the flat of her stomach & pelvis, rocked it side to side like a baby or a balanced laundry basket. it was so rhythmic, the way she swung her hips out & played her melodic bass liness & gave the audience this one look over and over. she was ethereal

thinking of a band as the ship of theseus-- inspired by my mind's wander back to the black flag concert i went to & then the history of that band. will have to collect my thoughts more on this later

it's so odd to have a stomach like a little active volcano, bursting at the seams

acid reflux is such a varying sensation.. sometimes awful, sometimes just a soft burn under your diaphragm, threatening worse. i think a lot about the first time i let it get bad-- the knot it created in my esophagus, and how my throat had to force even water down, with so much pain in the way

today was such a mess of acid reflux & other stomach issues, but i also went on a beautiful hike & wrote my first blog in a long time & inherited my mom's old CD album when i took a detour with her to my grandparent's house [not really a detour-- we had to pick up our dogs]. i still have to get photos from my family, but i'll share them eventually

[note: originally posted here, and also got moved to my blog later when i decided to reorganize a bit]

the last few days have been a bit hectic. i feel at peace, but incredibly sleepy [a word i like to use to differentiate a good tired from something like exhaustion]. my immediate family & a couple family friends & i drove to anza borrego last night so we could spend the weekend exploring the superbloom out here. it's so beautiful, but it started to rain an hour or two ago, so we've sort of wound down for the day

we found one field of flowers that was absolutely covered in white-lined sphinx caterpillars... every plant had at least 10. it was an odd sensation to come across them-- so exciting at first, and slowly more & more overwhelming as we realized just how many there were [and just how little we knew about what they were, their danger, etc. at the time]

it's sort of beautiful to think about, though-- something about coming across the place where they likely all came to mate & lay eggs & begin again as a species. we stumbled across a community, though simply a biological & ecological one

i saw dune yesterday before we left, so i've been thinking about the giant sand worms. they're such odd creatures, but they've always captivated me. i never fully read or cared for dune [though now i want to give it another try], but i know i watched the 1984 version with sting as feyd [a casting choice i can more fully appreciate now], and the image of those giant lurking worms has stuck with me since

having watched the new one, my main questions surround the logistics of worm travel [i know how one person gets on, but knowing that, how do they set up camp on one? how on earth do they get off?] and how those worms sustain themselves. i saw a post somewhere theorizing that because the worms don't use their muscles to squirm & move like snakes do, the only feasible way they could manage to burrow through the sand is by eating & shitting sand at incredible speeds in order to propel themselves forward, which makes me laugh

anyway, i've had some really wonderful food today-- a really nice golden milk & cinnamon roll, some pizza, and we got an apple peach crumble for later, too. i'm excited to have some

it feels weird to be back in anza borrego. it's been a long time-- since i was 8 or so. i have distinct memories here, and suddenly i'm much older and re-experiencing it all in such a different way. i got sun sickness the last time, but i adored it all, too. i remember buying a little woolly mammoth stuffed animal & a t-shirt last time, and this time i bought myself a nice zip-up hoodie & a trucker hat & lots of other small goodies. the hoodie's keeping me nice and warm so far

well... i auto-failed the driver's test as i turned back into the parking lot at the end because i went the slightest bit over the curb... after an almost perfect test otherwise. oh well. i'm too tired to care anymore

i forgot to take my SNRIs last night and couldn't sleep for the life of me because of it-- tossing and turning in bed for an hour and a half before realizing why. i'm usually so quick to sleep, and it just felt impossible that i wasn't. there's no feeling weirder than being so utterly tired and unable to drift off. it's a different sensation altogether than when you won't allow yourself to fully drift off, though: if you're in class and just putting your head down, and the volume of sounds around you & where they are start to distort, but you're still vaguely aware of it all, like some weird radio dream

when i finally realized, i took my meds and then sat on the floor and put pens that had fallen apart in my bag back together again-- four of them, actually. i just let myself sit and focus in on my pens, and the rest of the world fell away. i finished two books i'd been reading, too-- sucked into them like i was in fourth grade and reading wildwood again-- and then started 100 years of solitude at last. my girlfriend has been prodding at me to because she annotated a copy for me, but it just hasn't felt like the right time until now

i do love the writing itself a lot, but her annotations make it all the more beautiful. there's nothing like silly & serious comments from someone you love on something they love & want to share with you. it brings me joy like nothing else does

i laid in the grass under the sun, today. it was so beautiful, and the sun burned my cheeks and crisped my heart. i've been tired since then, but i'm glad i basked in it & soaked it in regardless. my world has felt calmer

pain reprocessing therapy was especially helpful today. i've been thinking of my pain as a snake making its way through me, and treating it like a curious creature just wanting to explore. he's holding a little tight, and it hurts, but maybe it's okay. maybe it hurts the way the sun heating my cheeks does, and it's not so bad after all

i'm really exhausted this morning-- i just can't stop yawning. i have an exam in my next block and then my driver's test not long after, and i'm just so nervous, it's awful. i know it'll be okay no matter what, but failing for a second time feels so utterly embarrassing

it'll be okay...

anyway, the day has been alright otherwise. i keep eating more mázapan than i need too, but it's just so wonderful! i'm sure it'll comfort me if things go south today

today was honestly quite boring, but it feels so wonderful looking back. my classes were fine, but not particularly interesting, and i was so exhausted all day... i felt so heavy, like i'm just full of sand. fuzzy like static electricity.

when i got to my station after it all, though, things got infinitely better. i went on a lovely drive and picked up some beautiful cucumbers & mázapan from a mexican grocer, and got home to a long-awaited package. i didn't recognize it right away, and made some dinner & talked to family before i opened it-- some wonderful cauliflower gnocchi with pesto, tomatoes, and mushrooms.

i really tried my best to imagine what it could be, because it was the size of a poster or print of some kind, and i'd only ordered a CD [of the muslims' album "fuck these fuckin' fascists"]. it turned out that's exactly what it was, though, and they had added a ton of extra stuff in

they wrote me a really sweet note in response to the one i'd left them in my order, too

it's just so unnecessarily kind, and i love that kind of connection with artists. well, that kind of connection with anyone, really. i love that they responded, y'know? there's something so big about community in that sense, even if we live thousands of miles apart. music & resistance & pride connect us all

i'm not sure. it's really lovely, though. i think music is lacking a lot of connection, community, andd love, lately. it's so easy for everything to be parasocial, and that's not inherently evil, but it's something i'm glad to get at least a little bit away from

anyway, i've been reading more today. i'm adoring the premonition so far, though i'm curious how much of what i love is translation and how much is really her writing. i'm hoping to finish up worm tonight, too. we'll see how it goes. today was a good day, regardless

i went on a hike with my mom & dogs this morning and it was so beautiful. it's interesting how much temperature can vary between shade and sun-- it doesn't feel possible somehow, especially when it's not like the sun is bearing down on you

my mom introduced me to a lovely birdsong-identifying app called merlin and i used it so much alongside seek! we have so much wonderful technology, now-- it's incredible. birds have such interesting calls and the world is so beautiful when you take a moment to tune in & listen

sometimes i wish i could connect to the physical world around me a little more. i wish it was easier to feel immersed in it all. i think hikes like these are an easy way, though. sometimes i forget not everything has to be difficult & exhausting & inaccessible

i added one nice photo into my photo diary, but took quite a few more

anyway, the hike wasn't too long or difficult, but it was satisfying & tiring, so we stopped for snacks at a community grocer, and now i'm home, resting-- just watching better call saul with my girlfriend and laying in my warm bed. i want to try and finish standing heavy today, or at least try to get near to being finished, but i'm not sure how possible that is. i guess i'll see

there's a weird weight in my chest right now. i woke up so suddenly this morning, realizing i was late to an online writing workshop, and now i feel like i'm in a fucked up limbo because i didn't get a transition period. my chest feels heavy and my head feels light and i'm sort of out of it and unsure

my girlfriend and i had an audition for a battle of the bands-type competition today, and it went so wonderfully. i was fucking terrified beforehand-- full of that teeth-tingling, queasy anxiety that i don't have often anymore. i used to have terrible anxiety, but over the course of four or five years, i've gotten to a point where i only really have it in the normal cases (performances, especially immportant exams, etc). anyway, i forgot how absolutely terrible it was

i dealt with it well, though. it's actually one of my favorite things to do: convince my body that one thing is something else entirely-- in this case, that nerves were excitement. it feels so similar physically that the convincing is pretty easy, you know? i love doing it-- it feels so powerful, that we can have control over ourselves like that

it went really well, though, and i felt absolutely exhilarated afterward. i really couldn't stop smiling! so many feelings i rarely get to feel, today

my mom, her partner, and i had a really lovely dinner, too. they made a wonderful soup and we had such a nice time just talkng and being in each other's company. people are so beautiful sometimes. i love sharing meals together-- i think it's such a wonderful way to connect. sharing nourishment in so many ways at once-- feeding every part of ourselves and finding connection both 'alone' and together

it's a bit tangential, but there are so many words in english i love to take a part. i love ourselves as our selves, and heartbeats as heart beats. there's such a difference in a way. for the former, i really do prefer the phrase in spanish. there's something about 'mismo' as self that feels more intimate-- 'ella misma', 'él mismo', 'ti mismo', 'sí mismo'

i'm not sure. it's just more of a true self to me. i'm off track, though. today was difficult, but so good & fulfilling. i'm so thankful for this world and what it offers me

the open mic tonight was wonderful. hosting something like that is such a different feeling than being in the audience... i felt so proud of everyone reading, somehow. it's not like i'm their mentor or teacher or anything, but even just getting to set up the space for them to share so openly in brought something new to the experience. it's so fulfilling

i read the poem i wrote for the 'echoes' muse ariadne prompt & people loved it & i felt so joyful about it all! i don't know. i'm pretty tired now, and i feel like there's a lot going on, but i know i'll be okay. i know the tides change back & forth, and it'll calm again

hoping tomorrow goes well... we'll see. there's a lot to do. and even if it doesn't go perfect, it doesn't mean much in the end. life moves on, after all

ginger ale makes me feel like a hot air balloon when i drink it too fast. the top of my stomach, right below my diaphragm, gets sort of warm and full of bubbly air and feels like it's going to pop. such an odd feeling

i had some classes i didn't love a ton today, but i got to ignore them and talk to friends & work on my about page. i finally finished & made it much nicer, and i feel quite good about that. i love working on this site for some reason. it's cathartic

my bass lesson yesterday was so odd. he's not the kind of teacher i'm used to-- more interested in talking & understanding & developing methods than just helping me learn songs. i sort of love it, even if it moves quite a bit slower. i've never had someone take the time to walk me through the things he does in music lessons before

i'm hosting an open mic night tomorrow, which should be wonderful and a bit stressful. i still need to decide on a piece to read, though... we'll have to see. i think i can figure something out

i started reading one of the books i got on monday-- standing heavy-- and i'm really loving it so far. his style reminds me of tommy orange a little bit...

once again, i'm quite tired. i always am. today was quite boring and then quite beautiful in quick succession ! classes were kind of dreadful, but i got all my work done quickly and sort of re-inspired myself writing-wise. afterward, i finally got to meet a wonderful online friend in person and it was such a joyful experience

we both bought a couple books [i got hunger by roxanne gay & standing heavy by gauz'] and xe gifted me tastes like war by grace m. cho as well, which was so sweet. i'm feel so much anticipation about reading them all

we got some thai food, too-- which is actually one of my favorite cuisines, because i feel like there's always something i want-- and made some incredibly apt comparisons-- namely between triceratops and pitbulls, unripe mango and very bad pineapple, and how suburban white moms must feel about hot topic and how weird teenagers feel about pottery barn. i love that kind of weird and 'unnecessary' conversation, especially when it's sprinkled throughout so many serious topics. it feels so childish and lovely, and i adore getting to come back to that sensation without shame

i forget how healing time with friends can be sometimes-- especially ones you don't see often. that kind of connection is sort of indescribable. i'm so thankful for it

it's been a minute since i've written. the last few days have been busy & tiring & fulfilling [?]. i had a neuro appointment on thursday and finally got a letter for accommodations after three months... it was alright, overall, but it poured all evening so i got all my shit soaked on the way back home. i bought some crispy tofu to comfort myself, though, which was a nice congratulations for enduring

my girlfriend bought steak & fish tacos from the farmer's market, but i wasn't really feeling anything there, and it's all sort of overpriced, anyway. it's worth it if you're craving it, though. we [coincidentally] sat next to a few acquaintances and had a little conversation with them which was pretty lovely, and then headed home and practiced some music to make up for monday and hang out

actually, i had crispy tofu again on friday, but didn't do too much else that day. just sort of read & hung out and tried to get work done. my girlfriend came back over on saturday and spent the night, and we did more of the same as thursday with the exception that we also finally finished breaking bad ! such an accomplishment

i'm about to have a junior board meeting for a literary magazine i volunteer with which honestly is quite boring, but worth the effort. i signed up for an online community writing space this afternoon, too, which i'm excited for, and then i'm having a belated birthday dinner with my dad's family. it's all sort of a lot

some things i'm feeling good about right now:

• i keep having these beautiful moments while reading-- in the warm sun at the train station or in my bed, watching the downpour from the corner of my eye. it's healing & rejuvenating
• i actually carved out time for that community writing space. it's the kind of thing i tend to go for and then abandon, so it's nice to feel committed & genuinely excited
• music with my girlfriend :] songwriting is so fulfilling, and i feel confident in a way i didn't think i could
• i'm going to meet a very-dear-to-me online friend for the first time tomorrow

some things i'm not feeling too good about right now:

• this week being so busy...
• i feel like i'm treading water and i'm slowly losing speed
• in the same vein; that so much is expected of me right now
• the weather has been so volatile, and my mental health feels sort of like a ragdoll getting thrown around by it
• i'm still so cold all of the time-- my body just can't correct for it
• this website, honestly. i love it, but i think i'm getting to a point where i'm bored & overly critical of it all because i check on it so often. i don't like that this is a performance. i am not a jester. i want to change it, but that's a lot of effort, and i don't know how

woke up hungry again because i forgot to eat dinner again. i'm not usually someone who doesn't eat like that, so i'm not sure what's going on. i usually at least eat a ton of snacks. it's okay, though-- i got a good amount of food through the rest of the day. i've decided i'm going to have some crispy tofu tonight before therapy, which i'm excited for

i ended up getting my lyrics esssay done and writing a shitty rhetorical analysis essay on the music video, too. i hope i get the motivation to write an actually cool essay on that video, soon. it's a really fun one, honestly. i worked a little on my calculus project, but my big looming tasks right now are a physics exam on friday and getting caught up in comp sci. it's kind of overwhelming, even though there's not a lot to do, exactly

really wanting to take a nap right now, but also sort of wanting to read. kind of want to doodle, too. i'm not sure what i'll do. i might try to find my way to the field and lay around... we'll see

i'm feeling a bit antsy, i think. there's so much my brain and body want to do, but i feel too drained to really do anything. i might try to squeeze a little reading in before the end of class and then take a nap...

i woke up at 3 in the morning with an incredible stomach ache... it took me a minute to gather all my thoughts, but i realized i hadn't had anything but boba since noon yesterday. ended up grabbing two of the weird little godsends that are trader joe's olive packs from the pantry and creeping back to my room to eat them in bed, which got me feeling well enough to fall asleep again

to-do list:

• short response paper on 'Political Hermaphrodites': Gender and Environmental Reform in Progressive America
• rhetorical analysis essay on the lyrics of Testify by Rage Against the Machine
• work a bit on my calculus project... got three weeks for it, but it's a lot of work

feeling excited to read again tonight. i sort of forgot how wonderful it is to just lay in bed and get lost in a book. i'm so grateful to have that feeling back

my bass lesson is at 6:30 today and i love music, but i'm still not quite excited for it. something about it is overwhelming, especially since it's an hour long. i think that i hate that it takes away so much of my night... i don't know. i hope it's more fulfilling than i'm anticipating

i've been eating quite well lately, but today feels like an off day. not quite sure what's up with that... will have to reflect more on it later

anyway, the big event of today was that i failed my driver's test because some teen was a while away from the crosswalk and ran to get there so i had to stop mid-turn and block traffic... too big of an issue for the proctor, i guess. it felt really stupid, because I couldn't imagine anything better i could've done, or any way i could've predicted it, but i got boba on my way back, so it's okay... it just affected me a lot all day. i think tomorrow will be better

other than that, i added to my photo diary and made my now page, both of which i'm really happy with. my girlfriend and i were planning on meeting up and making some music together, but it didn't work out... ended up reading 40 pages of So Long Been Dreaming instead, and i'm really loving the stories. they're so beautiful. reading is such a blessing