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i've been having a lot of intense dreams lately, and don't remember much of them (the memories have been coming back slowly over the last few days). one feels a little too shameful to detail the full extent of, but it was essentially a dream in which i (thought i) killed my dad and his friend by giving them a fuck ton of LSD for some reason. they knew they were taking it, but i knew i was at fault, too. we'd gone up to this very modern, pristine, white house by hiking through wooden stairs in the woods, and i felt so trapped i didn't know what to do but give it to them. i wasn't trying to kill them, though. i remember the place had a pool
i think they ended up surviving, and i felt i had to run away. a friend who lives across the country from me in real life picked me up streets away from my real house (which was nothing like my real house, and the neighborhood was generally very suburban and boring in a weird way i don't recognize), and we left. my mom and my dad fought when he came back, even though neither of them had done anything wrong, and i avoided it all. i think she lived in a very mansion-like house, for some reason, and i just sort of cowered in my friend's home with him
my more recent dream was confusing. it started in a sort of journal-etc store, where someone gave me a very mini journal (smaller than my finger), but i kept shoplifting more big journals for myself and friends. i don't quite know how, but there was this sort of fantasy world i had to navigate with friends-- with huge, marble buildings and long rivers to sail through. we kept exploring, going further and further to achieve some quest i can't remember, and despairing at each trick the world played on us. we went through these odd temples, and i felt so scared and frustrated as it got grimier and the atmosphere got darker
one moment i remember thoroughly is when a towering woman told us of the knowledge and things she might give us if we were to follow rules, among which were to not move for the time being. it was agonizing to listen to her as we watched something we knew would be helpful to our mission drift by along the river, away from us forever, wondering if it would be worth it to listen to her
i don't remember much else for right now, but it's all been sitting quite heavily with me
i walked down the crooked sidewalk toward my car– heels sore and pressing against the dwindling sole of my boots. the wind blew a little colder as i weaved between people, excusing myself y diciendo ‘disculpe’ cada vez que necesitaba pedirle a una persona que se moviera
i looked around at the towering trees that disturbed the concrete below me and felt happy that they did. in a moment between looking at the trees and the sidewalk in front of me, a man touched my shoulder– one i’d just served at a food not bombs distribution down the street. i smiled and said hello, and he smiled back, asking for my name again. he was an old mexican man, and his voice reminded me a bit of my own abuelo’s
at first, i wasn’t sure how long we’d be talking, but when he told me i reminded him of his daughter, i knew it’d be a while, and yet despite my aching feet and a need to get home, i didn’t mind. i smiled and said she sounded wonderfully smart and that i was sorry as he told me her story– going to college to earn a real living, and losing everything when the college shut down, now just working odd jobs where she can. he reminded me that i could always go to college in mexico, and that i should make sure to learn spanish well, and asked me to please focus on my studies, and to never stop learning. “of course,” i nodded
a woman interrupted for a moment, reminding him to tell his neighbor something, and he just brushed her off– “i don’t like him, i’ll tell him anything,”– and i couldn’t help but laugh a bit, and he laughed, too
when the conversation lulled, i told him thank you, but he just interjected– “one more thing; no, two more things,” before giving me two rules to follow:
he smiled and told me “i love you. you are my daughter. stay safe and god bless you,” pressing his head to my shoulder for just a moment before wandering back and away, pulling his blanket tighter around his bare shoulders. i walked back to my car feeling a love like nothing else. i’ll see him next week– i will
my dog lets out a long, scream-like howl, and then launches into a stream of barking at something i can’t place. i whisper-shout little “what is wrong with you?”s and “what are you even barking at?”s, tugging her up the porch and inside as quickly as i can. shoving her through the door, a coyote creeping out from a bush across the street catches my eye, and i’m immediately entranced
i take her leash off and close the door behind me, checking to make sure it’s unlocked before turning to the coyote. we look at each other for 10 or 15 seconds, just staring and figuring each other out. he looks to one side, down the street, and then back at me, and then down the other, and then back at me. i feel a little like a statue– frozen in place, breathing steadily. i can’t look away from him and the thoughts i can almost feel racing through his mind– maybe more observations than thoughts. absorptions.
he took a few steps down the street to his right, then looked back to me again and trotted right back, unsure of my intentions. i just watched intently– his head bowing down below his shoulders, and the lanky limbs that made him look so wiry and like a scavenger
we didn’t get a chance to come to any conclusions about each other, though, ‘cause a few dogs came by, barking their heads off just like my own, and he scurried back into the bushes. i went inside, touched by the chance to get to know him
in another moment, we've just left the show, which was good, but i think a little too painful since the guys in the pit were huge, and she’d held me and kissed me and danced with me and jokingly punched me in the back of the room during the last song (an encore) because i got so beat up in the pit i didn’t even want to be close to it. we talked and laughed about what it was like for us as we left– taking a second to sit on the side of a planter outside the show and just talk
we decide to get food this time– head down the street toward a strip mall, trying to decide what we want. a mcdonald’s is next to us and the likely expensive pizza and indian food is across the street, so we go with what feels right and easy
we do a little play fight to pay, and she does, and we sit down at a counter, eating fries (i keep spilling them) and sharing a cone and drinking our smoothie & frozen cola slushie thing and enjoying ourselves
she has such a light about her while we talk, giggling about how i also share cones with my dad, and how she wishes she could skip the ‘talking about herself’ part of sparking a conversation, and a million other things, and i can’t help but stare when she giggles or grins or her eyes crinkle and she sort of shies away. she looks so beautiful, and the lighting is awful but perfect, and i love how her shirt and bra fit her, and we talk about how uncomfortable bras are, and she’s just so perfect in that half an hour
neither of us want to leave, and when we do, it’s bittersweet. the drive home is nice
i’m grinning down at her as she picks me up and i hold on for dear life, terrified we’re going to fall over, but she just smiles back, looking so proud of herself, stumbling slightly back and forth on the magenta rug, trying to keep her balance. she throws us onto the bed and i squeal and we giggle and she kisses me, and we do it again and again. i can see the pride at being able to lift me in her eyes and smile, and of course also in how she laughs and comments that “you didn’t think i could do it!” and “see, i can totally lift you!” and “you could never do it to me, though”s. i feel like a little kid getting thrown into the pool, but there’s something more mature about it, too
i can’t remember any order of events, but she gets a sparkle in her eye eventually, going through the motions and tossing me on the bed again, landing on top of me and asking some version of “isn’t it so hot?” and i can’t help but grin and run my hands through her hair and tell her “obviously” or “of course” or whatever i said, pulling her closer and kissing her slowly. at some point, she throws me onto the bed and wraps a hand around my throat, kissing me more intensely, and i just melt into the bed and against her, and it’s beautiful. another time, she holds me as she tosses herself down first and i fall on top of her, and it feels like a wrestling move i can’t remember, and it’s silly and beautiful
we’re laughing and talking and punching each other in between, and it’s the most joyful i’ve felt in a while. early on into all of this, i can remember her wrapping her arms around my waist while i stood at the mirror, kissing and biting down my neck while i giggled and moaned softly and held her closer– then turned around to kiss her back
the last time she picks me up that night, i’m naked from the waist down and she carries me bridal style, and i feel slightly embarrassed, but i’m laughing and she’s smiling, and i kiss her, and she throws me onto the bed again, and i lay there for a while
i feel like i blended several dreams last night-- one that i won't talk about because it was oddly violating & awful. i didn't feel awful when i woke up, but just sort of surprised at how vulgar & obscene & morally, like... bad it was. i've never had a dream treat me so terribly before, but i guess i'm also remembering my dreams much more lately than i ever have before
anyway, the others were both better & more interesting. i'm not sure if they were connected or not, but i can't really imagine how they would be. in one, i [though not at all the same 'i' as real world me] led a lot of people through a forest/jungle/something else, maybe, looking for what i think was a camp i had previously help them set up-- the first camp i had ever set up. it was supposed to be one for somewhat permanent residence, and we waded though bamboo [if memory serves me], as i tried to prove something i can't remember
we found it, and it was so interestingly carved out of this little bamboo grove. we found a pool we'd made before, and took turns jumping in-- competing for the best jump and enjoying ourselves thoroughly. i remember the pride & satisfaction i felt that i'd been able to help lead them here-- been able to help create & facilitate that joy
in another dream, there was what seemed like if a skate bowl was also a freeway for skateboard travel? i learned to skate on it, laughably easily able to stand, though having a much harder time slowing down as i skated. my dad was there, and told me how to slow myself down & had a friend help explain, and i made my way through, going faster than i should & slowing down awkwardly & trying to learn to balance
i'm not sure why my dad was there, nor do i really want to know, but it's interesting. an interesting night of dreams all around
i started the dream deep in this feeling of having lost someone-- not really unhappy but sort of empty, like there was this film of guilt & discomfort covering me, in the same way abandoned houses in movies always have furniture covered in plastic. i lived in a an apartment alone with big windows & an exposed brick wall, which isn't important, but i remember clearly.
i made the decision to find the parents of my ex-partner [i have this feeling we didn't break up-- the way my body felt in the dream, it was like i'd been the reason they died or something], not wanting to engage with them at all, but just to see them again, maybe in some public space where they never would've known i was there. i needed the comfort of knowing their daily life for even a moment.
i found them in this sort of incredible hotel-mansion thing... there were hundreds of people walking through the lobbies, among all the great pillars & gold trim & fancy paintings i think i'd somehow found this sweater they'd given me [i get the feeling i got it from them that day, but i don't know how i would've in the timeline of this story]-- a sort of bright blue like the default color for links-- and was wearing it. it was soft and heavy against me.
i was walking through, looking for them, and i caught sight of their father, and felt immediately at peace, so i just walked right past, ready to leave. he spotted me and seemed unsure that it was me, but when i sped up & he realized i was wearing that sweater, he knew it was and started to follow me. we went on this sort of low speed & surreal chase, and it was this odd sensation where the dream felt cut like a movie-- moving back & forth between shots of me and him, the two of us at a sort of slowed speed, weaving through crowds and different rooms [this hotel had an endless amount of lobbies, it seems].
slowly, the rooms started to turn into what seemed like art museum exhibits, but with maybe 50 pieces in every room, statues and sculptures of different kinds in rows throughout each one. i mainly noticed metal & glass & melted plastic ones, and especially so as i started to float and kind of fly through each room, still weaving between people & pieces and kind of melting into everything around me.
i'm not super sure what happened, but i know at some point he caught up to me and we ended up talking, and i know the sort of shame i felt, not even at how my relationship with my partner had ended [i still don't know how], but in how i had abandoned them, came looking for them, and ran again.
we were in their modern apartment, sort of sterile but with art here & there and some cool-colored furniture. the mom asked me quietly at one point "we don't have to take you back home, do we?" and i responded, telling her "you know i don't have a home anymore," feeling that my only home in life had been with them