there's something nice about realizing your goals are just to motivate you & make you feel successful. originally, i had a goal of reading 48 books this year, but that stopped being as doable with this first semester, as the workload and exhaustion took me over. seeing that i'm '6 books behind' according to storygraph was only making me feel bad, so i decided to adjust my goal to 41 books-- only one more than what i've read now. and that's okay. i don't feel bad, even if adjusting my goal in retrospect so i get to achieve it is 'cheating' to some. the point was to make me want to read & feel good about reading. i don't know if i'll set a goal for this next year. we'll see if that's what i need to keep reading in a way that rejuvinates me. maybe, this year, the best way forward is to slow down and take more time with each book. as long as i'm reading, i don't really mind. i'm glad i don't mind

i didn't know if this should be a blog just by the nature of its length, or a diary entry because that's what it functions as. i landed on the decision that my blog should now be a space where i put writings that revolve around some sort of theme/idea, or maybe a couple, and not just journal entries about longer periods of time, so here we are. have what i probably would've posted as a blog entry a year ago, but is now simply some thoughts & reflections tucked in my diary

i ordered a couple hibrawi keffiyehs a month or so ago and one of them got here today. it’s so lovely, and my heart felt so warm & full of love when i wrapped it around my neck. the stitching is so beautiful and the colors are, too. they call this one their hebron keffiyeh, which i realized i wasn’t sure the reason for. it seems to be modeled after the city’s al-haram al-ibrahimi mosque, which is covered in stone tiles and has a green ceiling, alongside green & gold decorated symbolic tombs of isaac and rebecca. the photos are so beautiful, and i know they can’t capture it

it’s been a while since i’ve written (again). i’ve been blocked in a weird way. for some reason, i’ve been averse to listening to music at home, and i’ve found i can’t write to silence or to any other kind of background noise (or at least i need some music to get me going at first). i’m not sure why i’ve been unable to get myself to listen to music. i don’t know that this is true, but the thought that came to mind was that i fear the writing itself that listening to music might bring on. i can’t imagine that’s too far off; maybe it’s not the writing, but the thinking that scares me. i’m not sure

i’ve been so tired lately. i’ve been overwhelmed with schoolwork & different applications & taking care of my space & trying to deal with cooking & trying to keep my mental health afloat. it hasn’t been awful, per se, but i guess i’ve just been struggling not being around people as much as i usually am, especially during the holiday season with my family travelling without me

i guess to ease the loneliness, i hosted a little gathering with friends this last friday– a potluck with a game of white elephant– and it was so wonderful. i wasn’t sure how it’d go, since i was bringing together a lot of friends who didn’t know each other, but everyone seemed to get along really well, and we had a lot of fun

there was something sweet about the setup, too. jane & i went shopping for our dishes together and she came over hours early so we could cook & clean together. it felt like we were hosting together– playing house, almost– and it felt so nice. she helped me welcome guests and at the end of the night, the two of us cleaned the whole kitchen up without having to say a word to each other about what we were getting done. it was automatic, and it made sense, and it felt for a moment like we had a home together. i really cherished that feeling, even if it was only a short moment

i think i’ve been recovering from it all week, though. preparing for it the days before & the day of was exhausting, and the party itself was lovely, but tiring, too. i haven’t had much energy to do things (except gather the last of jane’s gifts and figure out what to bring to a very lowkey potluck with a couple friends). i’m really excited to give jane her gift, actually. i love gift-giving, which is also sort of at odds with the fact that i hate consumerism. i just love buying small things that remind me of people, or that i think they’d like. i love little tokens that say “hey. i think of you. i love you & you’re on my mind & i see you in the world around me.” i also love supporting small artists, even if my bank account doesn’t… it’s okay. it’s worth it for friends (& my girlfriend). i’m not being irresponsible with my money (yet), so who cares?

i had my first GI appointment since all these awful GERD symptoms started cropping up yesterday. the sensations have been calming down already with diet adjustments, but it still sucks to get at least a little acid reflux no matter what i’m eating. at my worst, i was waking up in the middle of the night with an uncomfortably tight esophagus and throwing up water & bile. now, i’m not that bad, but i guess i’d like to not return to that. anyway, the appointment itself was alright, but a little overwhelming. the drive there & back took a godawful hour and a half each, and the doctor took the most thorough history i’ve ever had taken. there’s nothing as shocking as being asked about whether your mom’s pregnancy with you had complications, and if you know why you were a c-section baby (yes: i was breach, and she has a heart-shaped uterus, which they only realized near the end of her pregnancy). i have to go back there again, soon– twice, actually. once for a gastric emptying exam (where i have to eat an egg, a food i tend to dislike, and then sit at the doctor’s for four hours, getting scanned every hour) and once for an endoscopy. not very fun…

i think christmas will be nice, but i’m not sure quite what it’s going to be like. planning & organizing where i’m going to be on my own for the first time feels so strange. i’ve got this, though. it’ll be alright. i’ve been listening to rent strike’s IX, by the way. well, i was, and then the first side of the cassette ended, and now i’ve just been writing in silence

i keep thinking about how car crashes are so casual & such non-issues to us as we drive. i spend an hour driving, my drive slowly getting longer with the weight of every new ‘+3 minutes’ on google maps and selfish grumble that escapes my throat, as if someone’s world hasn’t just shifted, even if only for a moment as some other car scratched & screeched against their own. i think about preparing myself mentally for the traffic of the first two car crashes on my drive, and how i get annoyed when a new one happens— and this time i can’t prepare myself, and neither could they, and i can only think about my ETA getting a little more distant

sometimes i want to say so much & i don’t know what it is, exactly, and instead of being able to figure it out & say it, the words stay stuck as a pressure in my chest, like a little geyser lying in wait. i’m reminded of visiting yellowstone at something like 8 years old and seeing old faithful, and wondering how it calculates the right moment— how the universe knows when it’s time. wondering what it feels like to explode & have that be a spectacle worth watching

it's been a few days since i've been able to write. i've had a lot on my plate, i guess. this cough i never-ending, it seems, but on saturday night, i took a benadryl, and then basically just slept until 2 on sunday. it was a bit miserable, because i hate sleeping in that late, but i'm glad i did it. the cough has been a lot better since

i started playing minecraft with jane. i haven't owned the game since i was in elementary school, and it feels funny coming back to it. i think that the beginning of the end of me playing minecraft was when i found this world that had a glorious cave in it, and i made my home inside-- beautifully decorated with gorgeous bookshelves and a lovely bed, etc etc. i made a moat that led to a room with a glass ceiling so that any creatures who tried to get in would get trapped in there and burn in the daytime-- morbid, i know. anyway, i lost that world not too long after i started it up. i'm not sure what happened, it was just... gone. i can't remember playing minecraft much after that

anyway, the game's a lot more fun, now. it's been so oddly comforting, even when we die an ocean apart from our home & lose all of the things we've collected. we started building a little house (it's technically finished, now, but there's much more to do to make it exactly how we want), and it's so lovely. there's something sweet about having a home together in a videogame, even if we can't have one in real life, yet. sometimes if we're out & about and have to rest or reset a spawn point, she'll say something like "you put your bed so far from me :(" and it's so cute, and it makes me so happy. saying little 'mwah!'s in the chat if the music & the vibe is nice

it's been really fun. and i can't help but think about it a lot! yesterday, i went over to her place, and we played minecraft together for a while, then went to a local park & deli for a little (we got a mediterranean sub, a mandarin jarritos, and these iranian rose water sweets i can't remember the name of that tasted a lot like jalebi & gulab jamun), and then came back and played some piano, and then played some more minecraft, and then ate dinner together, and then i sang with her & watched her practice guitar before she had a lesson. i admire how committed she is to her guitar lessons. she always wants to keep learning & playing, and i don't know if i could have that consistency. it was a really good time, though. i think she's going to come over again this friday. breaks are always chaotic, because ideally, they'd let us have more time together, but family makes that hard

my cough was especially bad last night. well-- not really, but it kept me up a while. i had this very light cough, where i'd be breathing, and then just cough once or twice, but i couldn't stop doing that over and over again-- every minute or so for hours. i'm sure i fell asleep here and there, but it was so disrupted, it barely mattered. at around 2 in the morning, i think, i realized how tight my chest felt, so i took my inhaler & put on a mask to help humidify while i slept. it wasn't too bad, to be honest, and i slept alright for the rest of the night. i woke up coughing up what felt like a wall of phlegm, but that's mostly calmed down, now, and my cough is relatively alright. i ordered a humidifier that got here this morning, so hopefully that'll be able to help me through whatever's remaining of this cough

i have to make a veggie side dish for thanksgiving... which is annoying, but alright. i think i'm going to make these maple balsamic brussels sprouts with cranberries... it feels easy, and it'll be able to keep if made a day in advance (i hope). we'll see how it goes. i have to go buy the ingredients today so i have less to do tomorow. i'll probably do that soon

a friend has been driving jane & i to the train station each day after one of our later classes, and we always spend half an hour just sitting & talking together. it's been so wonderful to talk & talk & talk, and then afterward, jane & i are always in a mood to keep talking & sharing random things and tell each other 'i love you'

we're going to do so again, tonight, after a workshop i have for this piece i've been working on with a little group that isn't anywhere near as committed as they need to be. it's been frustrating to try to wrangle them into getting anything done, but i told our teacher about the situation, so whether they get things done in time (although it does affect me to some extent) doesn't even matter at this poiint

i had therapy yesterday evening, and we talked a lot about voice. i got this little rush of pride when she got this impressed look on her face as i played around with different registers, feminine and masculine sounds, and more. i have so many feelings about voice. i can't stand mine, and it's more because of its sort of nasally quality than any dysphoric sensation. in an ideal world, i'd be able to sound incredibly feminine and masculine at the same time, but i honestly can't think of a way to. so i guess i don't really mind on any daily basis. i'd like to go on testosterone at some point, but the way it'll affect my voice doesn't even excite me. i want more than something static

that thought has led me to wondering if i could play with my voice sometimes-- let it be another aspect of gender expression and performance. i wonder if it could be fun & nourishing to decide what i want my voice to feel like on some night, in contrast or alignment with my clothing & hair & more. i'm not sure. it's exhausting to actively control my voice at all times, but it's fun to do sometimes

today has been alright, but tiring. i had an exam, and the rest of the day has been alright, but sort of... boring, i guess. i really just want to rest in bed with jane. nothing more. tomorrow i have a spanish presentation, and then a week off. we're so close

my diaphragm has been so sore from the cough. it's such an odd sensation; i've never coughed so much & ruined my chest lke this before. i wanted to wrte yesterday, but my executive function was just so awful. it's been awful today, too. i don't have much time to write right now (i should sleep), but i wanted to write something... break myself out of that block i was feeling. some things i wanted to write about yesterday/today that i should revisit soon:

• gender performance: voice on nights out?
• sitting in the car & talking with a friend for half an hour after class some days
• two other things i hope i can remember

today was largely a rough day, with some good mixed in. my cough was so awful, all i could do was drink water constantly to calm it (since i was out & about, with no access to my at-home remedies of honey, hot tea, hot showers, eucalyptus chest rub, mucinex, inhaler, saline spray, etc...), but that ended up turning out badly for me, too. i drank about 3 or 4 of my 40oz water bottles in an hour, an then felt so sick all i could do was throw it up again on my way to the porta potties we have at the moment, since almost all our campus bathroom plumbing is broken. i guess i forgot that i could overdo water-- that something so vital to life & health could hurt me too

i went to a little for-fun movie screening of song of the sea with jane for one of my classes and it was mostly lovely, but one of my friends came in sobbing about this situationship who turned out to be lying to them, so i went outside with them and just held them & reassured them. it's always so awful to see your friends hurting, but it's kind of nice to know you can be there for them

after the movie, though, jane was getting an award! so i stopped by with her to receive it, alongside her family, and they invited me to dinner with them which was lovely. it was nice spending so much time with her

a day of mixed emotions, to be true. i'm hoping tomorrow is better. i'm choosing to believe it will be

i really wanted to write a diary entry last night, but it got chaotic & i was tired, so i made peace with writing something on my 'mirages' page and leaving it be. i went to a show with jane & it was so wonderful-- it was an aid for palestine benefit show so i naturally bought a ton of things to support as much as i could while getting to splurge a little ! i got us a brownie cheesecake pastry to share, a zine & a patch & a little altered plush for myself, and then a print for my mom of a sort of modern day birth of venus. at the end of the night, i also got a shirt & a cassette from one of the bands partially because they were incredible & partially because they were donating half of the proceeds to MECA as well

that's probably the least interesting part of it all, though. the first band was more shoegaze-y, and the second was punk, and the last was cumbia, and all were incredible. i had to grab jane's waist to get her to dance a little with me for the first band, and in the second she was more than excited to dance alongside me (as she always is to punk music). the last was the best, though... i talked enough about that elsewhere, though. it was just so wonderful

i've had a cough for a few days (jane gave it to me...), but at the end of the night i got a little asthma attack because of the small space and loads of dancing & singing & laughing, and even though i had an inhaler to deal with it, the damage of irritating my throat had already been done. the rest of the night was difficult

i drove home coughing these eye-watering full body coughs every five seconds and trying to keep myself from singing along to the music i put on. when i finally got home, i went straight to the shower & made it as hot as i could. the steam helped a little at least, and i covered myself in some knockoff vick's vapor rub afterward... took a mucinex & used a throat spray, and it calmed down at least a little. it truly was humbling to have to do so much to keep my body from throwing me around like it had been

i'd been hoping to go to food not bombs today, but i couldn't do it in good faith after i'd pushed myself last night, so i laid in bed & drowned in my phone & youtube all day. things only changed when i shaved the sides of my head again, like i've been wanting to do, and took a shower & called a friend & did tarot & just relaxed. the world felt easier, then. sometimes all you need is a change & a shower, i guess

i almost got t-boned while driving down my hill to pick up my birth control from CVS. what a way to go, wouldn't it be? on my hill, there are a few types of people. there’s the people who live here, who know when they can go fast and when they have to slow down on the road; there’s people who don’t live here, who drive up the entire hill at 2 mph; and there’s people who don’t live here, who drive up at 20 mph the entire time without consideration of where blind turns/curves are, or the fact that cars can park on the street means sometimes people will be driving on the wrong side of the road. i guess this was someone from the last group. it was terrifying, and i couldn't help but feel like i'd done something wrong. i was jumpy the rest of my drive

it only got colder as the day went on, the wind blowing harder & harder; i kept shivering, despite a long sleeve and a jacket. i did get to spend some time in a boba shop, though-- eating crispy tofu & reading wandering stars. i bumped into my mom's partner, who asked me to bring some groceries home. it felt so surreal, hugging it to my chest after one of the handles broke, and feeling the wind push hard against me. it felt like i might fall over, but not because i actually thought the wind was strong enough to push me

i realized as i got in my car that the rain had probably washed the raccoon's blood away. it's sort of a kindness from the world, because i think i would've looked for it everyday until it finally faded, but i couldn't help but feel sad, too. the creature had this little trace of it left in the world, and it being gone means it's truly gone. i already grieved it, and now i feel ready to again

i didn't end up getting to watch a movie with jane, or do tarot, like i had hoped i'd be able to. my mom & her partner had a kid recently, and i've been trying to accommodate them as much as possible, so my mom started using my room as her office during the day. meant i had to wait about an hour and a half to get changed or lay down, though. i didn't end up laying down until way later, honestly-- maybe an hour or two ago. i did get a tea, though... i caught a cough from jane, and it's been tearing my throat up, so i honestly needed a throat coat more than i wanted one, and i finally gave in to making one despite my exhaustion half an hour ago

i'd like to imagine i'll do tarot tomorrow, but i don't really trust that. soon, i hope

it's been cold & drizzling all day, and i can't wait to get home & snuggle up... drink tea or hot cocoa or something. maybe i'll try to watch a movie with my girlfriend over teleparty. i feel like i need to find something better to call her than 'my girlfriend,' but i don't want to necessarily use her name online. i could ask her, i suppose. for now, maybe she'll be jane

anyway, i love her. that wasn't what i meant to type, but it's what i typed, i suppose. i was thinking about how i love the cold, but we have a love-hate relationship since it makes my joints so stiff & painful. in another life, we're good friends, and the cold doesn't bother me so much

i've been working on a zine about midwifery, lately, and i got a few photos of baby me from my mom for it, but they've sort of just been floating around in my head since then. i can't get the small, soft, wrinkly face of newborn-me out of my head. it's odd to think i was ever so small. sometimes it's easy to feel like i'm still that small, but actually seeing it is very different... like i can undertstand i truly have come far now that i'm actually looking at where i was

i'm quite tired today. i had a really fun time seeing a school musical (shitty play, amazing & wonderfully queer performance) with friends and getting driven home by one of them, but it was a long day... wasn't back until 10:30. i've been feeling good. very affectionate, though. i don't know what to do with that sort of energy inside me

one of my friends joked that i don't have enough whimsy to be like one of the characters in the show (irrelevant conversation), and i know it was just silly, but it made me sort of sad. i know i'm pretty grounded & real, but i do feel like there's a lot of whimsy in me-- it's just like... not a kind that a lot of people understand, i guess. it feels odd to be talking so seriously about such a silly & meme-d word, but i guess it means something to me. there's something about... always having struggled to be lighthearted & funny & fun for others. i've never been able to be more out there, or at least not have anyone see it in me

i remember in my freshman year of high school i broke down over not being able to make the people around me laugh. i'm not there anymore, but some of it lingers

i saw a raccoon, dead on the road today. it was in the middle, just to the side of the double yellow lines, a trail of blood behind it, and so wonderfully fat. i could only try to keep from crying at seeing something so well-fed and content, now with blood-matted fur and its arms outstretched. i swerved around it a little 'cause i couldn't bear to run it over again. such a lovely life lost. i'm not sure why i see so much roadkill

yesterday, i wanted to but never got to talk about family, and how i've been considering what that means to me. at food not bombs on sunday, we talked about how we're essentially making & having family dinner. i thought about how much i trust all the wonderful people there, and i've gotten to know them well, and treat some the same way i treat uncles & aunts & cousins. i don't know. community is so beautiful

i got this incredible piizza today with white cheddar, crispy shallots, pickled red onion, spring onions, and garlic... i don't even know how i got so hungry without realizing, but i truly devoured the thing. i drank a whole shirley temple in a few minute with it, too

it's been an interesting day. lots of feelings

today was my girlfriend & my three-year anniversary. i finally gave her the gifts i've been planning (& feeling excited about) for a while, and we had such a lovely time together. i got some trader joe's snacks for us beforehand, and then we went to a local sandwich shop & soda fountain/pharmacy place for some other things, and had a nice time just hanging out & eating & reading together in the grass at a nearby park

she brought her guitar and played a song she wrote for me, and i can't help but feel so absurdly in love anytime she does that for me. i don't know. there's some specific feeling that comes with jut relaxing your gaze & smiling & listening, especially when what you're listening to was made for you. she played some other songs, too-- especially as we listened to a playlist of ours and she realized how many she'd learned how to play

i have many other thoughts & feelings, but it's late, so i'll come back to those another time

i read about 8 chapters of their eyes were watching god last night & today. it's an incredible book, and i can't wait to finish it. it's so intense sometimes-- with small things that really just make you go "what the fuck?"

i forgot to write, the other day, about watching some car try to squeeze by another car at the gas station and scratching their whole side against the curb. the attendant could see the grimace on my face and just sort of shrugged & shook his head, and told me that "everyone does it," even though they warn everyone to not try to squeeze by and just wait. he told me the story of someone who clearly has just bought a new, expensive lexus, and scratched it real bad, and we both winced at the thought. it was late & dark & cold, and he was kind & sort of grandfatherly, and it made my day better

it's been so dry & cold lately. the santa ana winds have been making existing right now sort of nightmarish. the feeling of the windss could almost be nice if they didn't make my body so miserable. i hate how cracked & fragile my nose and face in general seem to get

i've been finding good things, though. the moon was beautiful tonight, and i've been listening to a few songs i really love on repeat. it's my girlfriend & my three-year anniversary on monday, and i can't wait to give her the gifts i got/made. i need to figure out where we're going to go, though

my local food not bombs hosted a winter clothing drive at a local bookstore the other night (freezing, but worth it), and my girlfriend and i collected about 9 trash bags of clothing from ourselves & other students we asked, but we actually ended up needing to take them & even more back in our cars because so many people had donated. i know there had to have been at least 50 trash bags after only an hour of the drive being open (with three left to go)-- probably closer to 100. we collected at a local coffee shop/bookstore, and it was really wonderful. the two of us shared a hot chocolate & hung out & browsed the store for a little, too. i got a book called anarcho-indigenism: conversations on land and freedom, which i've just barely started & is already fascinating

i feel hopeful. i know that might be a little insane considering the state of the US right now, but i really do have hope. we can do so much together. i love my communities & i love organzing & i love connecting

i'm honestly struggling to feel too much. it all feels like such bullshit. it's especially frustrating to watch people blame trump's win on third party voters instead of either the democratic platform itself or the fact that we're actually surrounded by full-blown fascists, and that is the problem. every second of watching the stupid house of reps coverage is killing me, and it's all so exhausting. i'm trying to remind myself to look forward & get ready to take action & support my community & love my people

it's also so frustrating to just generally see people glorify harris as if she isn't also a fascist (even though she obviously would've been preferrable). and people keep doing this thing they do every fucking time they hate someone, where they completely abandon their normal beliefs to attack someone. so many 'abolitionists' hinging their insults toward trump on him being a felon instead of just being an awful, racist, rapist piece of shit. why are we forgetting ourselves?

i don't know. i'm numb toward this election & all elections (which shouldn't be mistaken as being numb toward atrocities) and it's fucking absurd we've elected this dude and i'm fucking ready to go out and support my community. that's all we have. i don't know. i'm tired. i love you all, dearly. reach out to me if you need community (discord @himhymn and email anayagulaya@gmail.com). reach out to the people in your communities. reach out to the ones you love and the ones who annoy the fuck out of you. get ready to mobilize and get others ready too, if you can. we all need all of each other to move forward

sometimes i wish i could be more poetic with my journal entries and things of the like, but i'm finding more and more that the more i'm caually poetic, the more i'm also depressed. i think i can find a balance-- try to notice more things around me and feel in love with the world-- but it's hard. i guess good things are often hard

last monday, i stayed in a classroom late to watch a movie one of our creative writing classes was hosting (for a myths & legends class), and when i went outside again, the clouds were so dark & ominous & slowly rolling in from the mountains, and i remember feeling really in awe of them. that was a wonderful moment

i wonder if part of how hard it is for me to notice things is that i try to avoid being alone. i mean-- not always. i love having my own space, and feeling comfortable and not-watched and like i can let myself fully relax (i find it hard to do that even around the people i love most-- or at least not in quite the same way i do on my own), but i really just can't handle not being in contact with others for too long. i hate going more than half an hour or an hour without having a phone call or a text conversation with someone, and when i'm going from class to class, i try to be around people at all times. it's nice, but it's also frustrating

it's easier to not talk people if i'm actively busy, but i just have a truly hard time not being social while i'm "not doing anything" (in my room, etc). i don't know. i'll have to think about it more. one thing i know i notice a lot is how fucking cold my hands get. i guess that's one thing i can pay attention to

i had the oddest experience driving home just now. i'm not sure if it's something about driving at night, or about being exhausted, or having just gotten defensive of los angeles while eavesdropping on others talking about how much they hate it, but something messed with me. it was like i suddenly stopped understanding how our freeways work. i got off on a ramp i'm not use to, and wondered how that connected to where i thought we were, before getting my mind blown as i realized we weren't there. then i got off onto a freeway i know very well, but through a ramp i'm not used to, and suddenly started wondering where the lanes in the other direction were (and had a momentary panic about whether i was sommehow going the wrong direction down this freeway)

it felt like being suddenly disconnected from my own reality-- like i got put in an alternate one, or maybe i became an alian for a second and stopped really understanding my surroundings. i don't know. weird feeling