i almost got t-boned while driving down my hill to pick up my birth contrrol from CVS. what a way to go, wouldn't it be? on my hill, there are a few types of people. there’s the people who live here, who know when they can go fast and when they have to slow down on the road; there’s people who don’t live here, who drive up the entire hill at 2 mph; and there’s people who don’t live here, who drive up at 20 mph the entire time without consideration of where blind turns/curves are, or the fact that cars can park on the street means sometimes people will be driving on the wrong side of the road. i guess this was someone from the last group. it was terrifying, and i couldn't help but feel like i'd done something wrong. i was jumpy the rest of my drive

it only got colder as the day went on, the wind blowing harder & harder; i kept shivering, despite a long sleeve and a jacket. i did get to spend some time in a boba shop, though-- eating crispy tofu & reading wandering stars. i bumped into my mom's partner, who asked me to bring some groceries home. it felt so surreal, hugging it to my chest after one of the handles broke, and feeling the wind push hard against me. it felt like i might fall over, but not because i actually thought the wind was strong enough to push me

i realized as i got in my car that the rain had probably washed the raccoon's blood away. it's sort of a kindness from the world, because i think i would've looked for it everyday until it finally faded, but i couldn't help but feel sad, too. the creature had this little trace of it left in the world, and it being gone means it's truly gone. i already grieved it, and now i feel ready to again

i didn't end up getting to watch a movie with jane, or do tarot, like i had hoped i'd be able to. my mom & her partner had a kid recently, and i've been trying to accommodate them as much as possible, so my mom started using my room as her office during the day. meant i had to wait about an our and a half to get changed or lay down, though. i didn't end up laying down until way later, honestly-- maybe an hour or two ago. i did get a tea, though... i caught a cough from jane, and it's been tearing my throat up, so i honestly needed a throat coat more than i wanted one, and i finally gave in to making one despite my exhaustion half an hour ago

i'd like to imagine i'll do tarot tomorrow, but i don't really trust that. soon, i hope

it's been cold & drizzling all day, and i can't wait to get home & snuggle up... drink tea or hot cocoa or something. maybe i'll try to watch a movie with my girlfriend over teleparty. i feel like i need to find something better to call her than 'my girlfriend,' but i don't want to necessarily use her name online. i could ask her, i suppose. for now, maybe she'll be jane

anyway, i love her. that wasn't what i meant to type, but it's what i typed, i suppose. i was thinking about how i love the cold, but we have a love-hate relationship since it makes my joints so stiff & painful. in another life, we're good friends, and the cold doesn't bother me so much

i've been working on a zine about midwifery, lately, and i got a few photos of baby me from my mom for it, but they've sort of just been floating around in my head since then. i can't get the small, soft, wrinkly face of newborn-me out of my head. it's odd to think i was ever so small. sometimes it's easy to feel like i'm still that small, but actually seeing it is very different... like i can undertstand i truly have come far now that i'm actually looking at where i was

i'm quite tired today. i had a really fun time seeing a school musical (shitty play, amazing & wonderfully queer performance) with friends and getting driven home by one of them, but it was a long day... wasn't back until 10:30. i've been feeling good. very affectionate, though. i don't know what to do with that sort of energy inside me

one of my friends joked that i don't have enough whimsy to be like one of the characters in the show (irrelevant conversation), and i know it was just silly, but it made me sort of sad. i know i'm pretty grounded & real, but i do feel like there's a lot of whimsy in me-- it's just like... not a kind that a lot of people understand, i guess. it feels odd to be talking so seriously about such a silly & meme-d word, but i guess it means something to me. there's something about... always having struggled to be lighthearted & funny & fun for others. i've never been able to be more out there, or at least not have anyone see it in me

i remember in my freshman year of high school i broke down over not being able to make the people around me laugh. i'm not there anymore, but some of it lingers

i saw a raccoon, dead on the road today. it was in the middle, just to the side of the double yellow lines, a trail of blood behind it, and so wonderfully fat. i could only try to keep from crying at seeing something so well-fed and content, now with blood-matted fur and its arms outstretched. i swerved around it a little 'cause i couldn't bear to run it over again. such a lovely life lost. i'm not sure why i see so much roadkill

yesterday, i wanted to but never got to talk about family, and how i've been considering what that means to me. at food not bombs on sunday, we talked about how we're essentially making & having family dinner. i thought about how much i trust all the wonderful people there, and i've gotten to know them well, and treat some the same way i treat uncles & aunts & cousins. i don't know. community is so beautiful

i got this incredible piizza today with white cheddar, crispy shallots, pickled red onion, spring onions, and garlic... i don't even know how i got so hungry without realizing, but i truly devoured the thing. i drank a whole shirley temple in a few minute with it, too

it's been an interesting day. lots of feelings

today was my girlfriend & my three-year anniversary. i finally gave her the gifts i've been planning (& feeling excited about) for a while, and we had such a lovely time together. i got some trader joe's snacks for us beforehand, and then we went to a local sandwich shop & soda fountain/pharmacy place for some other things, and had a nice time just hanging out & eating & reading together in the grass at a nearby park

she brought her guitar and played a song she wrote for me, and i can't help but feel so absurdly in love anytime she does that for me. i don't know. there's some specific feeling that comes with jut relaxing your gaze & smiling & listening, especially when what you're listening to was made for you. she played some other songs, too-- especially as we listened to a playlist of ours and she realized how many she'd learned how to play

i have many other thoughts & feelings, but it's late, so i'll come back to those another time

i read about 8 chapters of their eyes were watching god last night & today. it's an incredible book, and i can't wait to finish it. it's so intense sometimes-- with small things that really just make you go "what the fuck?"

i forgot to write, the other day, about watching some car try to squeeze by another car at the gas station and scratching their whole side against the curb. the attendant could see the grimace on my face and just sort of shrugged & shook his head, and told me that "everyone does it," even though they warn everyone to not try to squeeze by and just wait. he told me the story of someone who clearly has just bought a new, expensive lexus, and scratched it real bad, and we both winced at the thought. it was late & dark & cold, and he was kind & sort of grandfatherly, and it made my day better

it's been so dry & cold lately. the santa ana winds have been making existing right now sort of nightmarish. the feeling of the windss could almost be nice if they didn't make my body so miserable. i hate how cracked & fragile my nose and face in general seem to get

i've been finding good things, though. the moon was beautiful tonight, and i've been listening to a few songs i really love on repeat. it's my girlfriend & my three-year anniversary on monday, and i can't wait to give her the gifts i got/made. i need to figure out where we're going to go, though

my local food not bombs hosted a winter clothing drive at a local bookstore the other night (freezing, but worth it), and my girlfriend and i collected about 9 trash bags of clothing from ourselves & other students we asked, but we actually ended up needing to take them & even more back in our cars because so many people had donated. i know there had to have been at least 50 trash bags after only an hour of the drive being open (with three left to go)-- probably closer to 100. we collected at a local coffee shop/bookstore, and it was really wonderful. the two of us shared a hot chocolate & hung out & browsed the store for a little, too. i got a book called anarcho-indigenism: conversations on land and freedom, which i've just barely started & is already fascinating

i feel hopeful. i know that might be a little insane considering the state of the US right now, but i really do have hope. we can do so much together. i love my communities & i love organzing & i love connecting

i'm honestly struggling to feel too much. it all feels like such bullshit. it's especially frustrating to watch people blame trump's win on third party voters instead of either the democratic platform itself or the fact that we're actually surrounded by full-blown fascists, and that is the problem. every second of watching the stupid house of reps coverage is killing me, and it's all so exhausting. i'm trying to remind myself to look forward & get ready to take action & support my community & love my people

it's also so frustrating to just generally see people glorify harris as if she isn't also a fascist (even though she obviously would've been preferrable). and people keep doing this thing they do every fucking time they hate someone, where they completely abandon their normal beliefs to attack someone. so many 'abolitionists' hinging their insults toward trump on him being a felon instead of just being an awful, racist, rapist piece of shit. why are we forgetting ourselves?

i don't know. i'm numb toward this election & all elections (which shouldn't be mistaken as being numb toward atrocities) and it's fucking absurd we've elected this dude and i'm fucking ready to go out and support my community. that's all we have. i don't know. i'm tired. i love you all, dearly. reach out to me if you need community (discord @himhymn and email anayagulaya@gmail.com). reach out to the people in your communities. reach out to the ones you love and the ones who annoy the fuck out of you. get ready to mobilize and get others ready too, if you can. we all need all of each other to move forward

sometimes i wish i could be more poetic with my journal entries and things of the like, but i'm finding more and more that the more i'm caually poetic, the more i'm also depressed. i think i can find a balance-- try to notice more things around me and feel in love with the world-- but it's hard. i guess good things are often hard

last monday, i stayed in a classroom late to watch a movie one of our creative writing classes was hosting (for a myths & legends class), and when i went outside again, the clouds were so dark & ominous & slowly rolling in from the mountains, and i remember feeling really in awe of them. that was a wonderful moment

i wonder if part of how hard it is for me to notice things is that i try to avoid being alone. i mean-- not always. i love having my own space, and feeling comfortable and not-watched and like i can let myself fully relax (i find it hard to do that even around the people i love most-- or at least not in quite the same way i do on my own), but i really just can't handle not being in contact with others for too long. i hate going more than half an hour or an hour without having a phone call or a text conversation with someone, and when i'm going from class to class, i try to be around people at all times. it's nice, but it's also frustrating

it's easier to not talk people if i'm actively busy, but i just have a truly hard time not being social while i'm "not doing anything" (in my room, etc). i don't know. i'll have to think about it more. one thing i know i notice a lot is how fucking cold my hands get. i guess that's one thing i can pay attention to

i had the oddest experience driving home just now. i'm not sure if it's something about driving at night, or about being exhausted, or having just gotten defensive of los angeles while eavesdropping on others talking about how much they hate it, but something messed with me. it was like i suddenly stopped understanding how our freeways work. i got off on a ramp i'm not use to, and wondered how that connected to where i thought we were, before getting my mind blown as i realized we weren't there. then i got off onto a freeway i know very well, but through a ramp i'm not used to, and suddenly started wondering where the lanes in the other direction were (and had a momentary panic about whether i was sommehow going the wrong direction down this freeway)

it felt like being suddenly disconnected from my own reality-- like i got put in an alternate one, or maybe i became an alian for a second and stopped really understanding my surroundings. i don't know. weird feeling