i've been abnormally sleepy the past few days. i'm not really sure where it came from-- i know that i've been doing a lot lately, so it makes sense to be tired, but i've done much more before and never been nearly as tired as this. i guess it's burnout, then, probably-- just stacking and stacking so it becomes harder and harder to get rid of
anyway, it's odd to yawn so much. it's like there's something in my body trying to get out. i sort of feel that, honestly. i've been in sort of my own world-- listening to braiding sweetgrass a lot (it's so absurdly long... 17 hours!) and just sort of losing myself in messing around on my website or trying to make minizines or playing stupid mobile games to placate my overactive nervous system
i'm hoping to try just listening, and letting myself sit and be still and relax. it's hard-- honestly more out of a deep-seated fear of not being productive than anything else, even if i don't believe consciously in that bullshit productivity-focused approach to life. i want to work against that, even if i love doing things
the website stuff is kind of hard for me right now. i'm loving it in lots of ways, but i'm currently stuck in this weird place with one specific thing: shrines. i really wanna make some to the things i care about a lot or find really interesting, but i feel like i'm having trouble doing it in a way that feels really me. when i try, it kind of just feels like i'm taking on a persona that isn't me, and that i see in the (really cool) shrines other people make. i'm not sure how to find my own way, or even think of something entirely different and interesting in its own right. it's kind of frustrating
this weekend was wonderful, though. i spent time with my tias (my mom's tias, really) because one of them had just had surgery, and it was such a lovely time. one of them is so absolutely hilarious and irreverent, and made a copious amount of sex jokes while we talked and told stories, and the other is this incredibly wise and caring lady who supposedly has a lot of friends in jail who call her "G" (they both work in law in one way or another)
i got to cook so much, too! not meth though. just egg noodles and ube waffles, with my girlfriend. it was genuinely so lovely :] it's odd how like... it sort of brightens the whole experience up to do it with someone else. i love cooking, but i never feel like it's worth it to cook something nice for just one meal on my own, and with her, i want to do it all! it's so nice. oh! and i finished fox & i this weekend. very proud of that (i've never read a 300 page book that felt more like 600 pages...). you should read my review here if you'd like :]
anyway, we worked on some music together too which was cool, if a bit stressful because audio recording software can suck. i've been really bad at playing my bass regularly, as much as i want to. i think it's just the exhaustion of classes getting to me. i don't know how to motivate myself to do the things i like sometimes. it's rough
sort of brings me back to the yawning. it comes in waves and i'm currently in the middle of one. it's honestly kind of a nice feeling-- the way it sort of forces my body to slow down. it's like my body's tucking me in with a weighted blanket and going "yo. chill out." i wish i could control it, though. great at home, at night, when you need to chill. not so great during calc
alright, i don't have much else to say. i hope y'all are well and that every day brings you at least a little bit of joy. i hope the weather is as volatile or not-volatile as you'd like it to be, and that the world meets you with a smile and open arms each day
- xalli