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i spent a few minutes in a stare down with a coyote the other morning. i'd been taking my dog out to pee when she started to bark like no tomorrow, so i dragged her back on the porch & inside, talking to her as if she could understand me with little "what are you even barking at?"s and "there's nothing there, dude!"s, until i finally pushed her inside, catching a glimpse of a coyote creeping out of a bush across the street as i did

immediately, i was enthralled. i love coyotes, and even mainly went by coyote for a while. i pushed my dog inside and then held the door mostly closed and turned to face the coyote again-- locking eyes with him. we didn't do all too much but look at one another, and i could feel him trying to scope out my intentions. he looked to me, then down the road on one side, then back to me, then the other way, and then maybe he'd trot a few steps in one direction before turning back to meet my eyes and then trotting right back

neither of us got to back down from the other, because he ended up scurrying away into the bushes again when another dog walked by and barked over & over & over again at him. poor guy. we've stolen the comforts of his home, then punished him for staying anyway

i love the coyotes around home. they feel like little omens when i see them. one time, my mom, her partner, and i were walking our two dogs when i noticed a couple coyote pups following behind, clearly just curious and wanting to play & be part of the pack. i felt so awful knowing that i had to get them out of there before our dogs noticed, so we sped up, and eventually they just fell off & walked into some bushed, and our dogs caught their scent & starter barking far too late. i think of those pups often. i strive to be as curious & trusting as they were

there's an owl that hoots outside my bedroom window sometimes, too. i love hearing her when i stay up late or wake up in the middle of the night, just calling out. what a beautiful sound from a beautiful creature

right now, i can't stop thinking about an interaction i had a couple hours ago, while i walked to my car after the distro part of food not bombs. an older mexican man stopped me-- one who had asked my name when he came to get food-- and asked me how i was, and what i was studying, and told me i reminded him of his daughter: that i was beautiful and kind, and i should never stop being that. he told me her story of saving money to go to college, and then losing everything when the college shut down, having to work elsewhere. he told me to please never take a drug i'm offered-- that accepting just once changed his life at 53-- and to please not wait to call the police if a boyfriend ever laid a hand on me. that he loved me, and i was his daughter, and to take care of myself, and that he'd see me next week. i think my heart is still reeling from it all. i hope he's okay right now. i know it's cold and dark and his blanket wasn't too big

people are so loving all the time, and it makes me love us. we're hateful, too, but god, we really are loving. i think we [i] forget sometimes that we are just creatures like everything else on this planet-- such beautiful creatures

i went to a show last night with my girlfriend, and another show the night before with a friend, and both were so incredible & fun in their own entirely different ways

friday's wasn't my usual style musically-- more indie rock than anything else, though some good funky/jazzy parts, and it was a blast screaming along to fiona apple's criminal-- but the oddest part was it being a high school show. there were some older people, of course, but i just felt so weirdly out of place. i don't like how clique-y everyone stays [aside from some awesome people], and i missed how much everyone feels like fucking weirdos at hardcore shows. it was so wonderful, though, especially with such an incredibly fun friend beside me. the music was still really cool, and i met some super fun people while just walking around. my friend and some dude managed to both have harmonicas in their bags [and narcan] and jammed for a minute. incredible, to be honest

yesterday's was more of my usual jam-- hardcore & punk rock with lots of zine & clothing vendors. one of the bands threw bang snap fireworks in the room which freaked me out a little and got it so smokey it was hard to breathe, but it was still super cool & fun, and the pit was fucking awesome. one of the songs asked us to grab a loved one for the beginning of it, and my girlfriend and i super dramatically and shittily slow danced & dipped each other through the pit, and then held hands and spun insanely once the song sped up, and it was so fucking fun. i loved just people watching & moshing & hanging out. i got some zines, too, and two awesome pieces-- some weird altered jeans with spray paint art & dickie's coveralls with cool painting & designs on it-- and i'm so excited to be adding them to my collection

i've been having a lot of fun transitioning my closet to slower, weirder fashion that feels entirely unique & me. i was actually thinking earlier about how odd it is to look back on myself with longer hair just a month or two ago. it doesn't feel like me. i mean, sure-- in some photos, i clearly felt myself & looked myself, and it was cool as fuck. but in some of them, i can just see the exhaustion. i know i've known myself for a while now, but i'm starting to realize that i've only begun to figure out what expressing that actually looks like

i had a whole other thought that actually started me writing this blog post, but i think it deserves an entry of its own at this point, so you'll see it soon. it's about magic, if you're curious :]

i don't have much else to say for now, so i just want to say i hope you're well. pay attention to the creatures around you, and i hope you're able to embody yourself fully-- now or with time