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Dogbane Beetle andré 3000 just put out his new album, blue sun, and it inspired me to write another blog, 'cause i've been meaning to and putting it off at the same time, not feeling quite creative enough or inspired enough or like the vibe was exactly perfectly right. but anyway, i'm here now, and that's what matters most

my instinct is to say that not much has been going on for me, but that's not true, so i don't know why i want to say it. i think there's something in me that wants things to be chill and stable and unchanging, as much as i do love change for a lot of reasons. i think i crave the energy (maybe better described as lack of exhaustion) that comes with 'nothing new', even if it means stagnation and boredom and that dread-full kind of exhaustion

things have been falling into place for me a little bit more, though. standardized tests are going my way. normal exams are going my way. i cleaned my desk & a little organizer cart and did a month worth of executive dysfunction laundry. i'm getting ahold of myself a little more. i have fall break starting tomorrow, and i feel open and ready to both get things done and be gentle with myself, waking up when i need to and taking each day nice and slow

it's sort of weird to feel the entire first half of this semester come to a close. everything is going so fast, but it feels so slow at the same time. time has always been weird like that. i remember being in fifth grade and noticing that the years were starting to go faster, but the months still felt slow, and the weeks and the days differed in how fast or slow they felt. i guess it makes sense, though-- every year we live, a year is a smaller and smaller portion of our total lived experiences, so it starts feeling shorter and shorter and shorter. i wonder if a year ever starts to pass you in the true blink of an eye

for now, years are still slow-- relatively, at least-- and i've been enjoying learning to code in java more than most other things i'm doing, though learning to play bass guitar is almost tied with it. it'll probably be tied with it once i actually have an amp (which is a nice one i treated myself too as an 'early christmas gift' because i got my bass itself from a friend for the grand price of Free and had some money to spare). so far, bass is way easier on my body than guitar ever was. my wrists don't get shooting pains and so stiff they can barely move from it, at least

i'm really enjoying playing disco elysium and kaycee's mod of inscryption, too, but they also kind of melt my brain. it's a lot of mental energy to put into a screen, especially on top of all the time i spend on 'classwork' and 'homework' (they really are just the same thing disguised as separate) and writing and figuring out my life via email and google calendar and whatnote and canvas. i prefer spending more passive energy on my screen, like listening to podcasts or video essays or long, well produced narrated scary stories by dark somnium while i do other things

right now, i'm listening through blue sun and That Night In Hawaii When I Turned Into A Panther And Started Making These Low Register Purring Tones That I Couldn't Control ... ShҰt Was Wild is on, which is definitely one of my favorite titles off the album. Ants To You, Gods To Who ? and Ninety Three 'Til Infinity and Beyoncé are decently close seconds, though

it's a bit of a weird release, but i knew that and was expecting it. i think i just expected something a little more hip hop/jazz experimental and not like... ambient electronic nature music. not complaining, though-- it's sick as fuck

andré is reminding me that there are so many beautiful things in my life right now, and i'm endlessly grateful. the world has given me so much-- though much on the backs of others who've not been so lucky, which inspires a new sort of passion and anger and love for them, too. the joy of every day is an odd feeling, though. grappling with the occupation of and genocide in Palestine while sitting in class and making myself pasta and going to birthdays feels so confusing and disjointed. it's like i'm torn between too mental worlds

Palestinians are my brothers and sisters, and i can see them in my parents and my friends and the children i've yet to have. they're family, and the pain i can hold in my heart for them is only so much-- but then what is that to the pain they have to hold? so i resolve to hold it in my lungs and stomach and thighs and throat. it's a sort of weight that i carry with me through life. i guess that's grief

it's not a net negative on me, though. it's important to me to feel that anger and that grief-- especially when i can do something good with it. it means i'm still feeling things-- that i haven't allowed the world to jade me yet. i'm thankful for those feelings, however painful

i don't know how to feel in general, though. it's like i'm a small volcano of a person just full to the brim and erupting with magma-amalgam feelings. i don't even know if it's helpful to make sense of them all as i let them spill forward

here are some resources on the history of and current events in Palestine, if any of you are on the fence about the status of this genocide or know someone who is: i hope you all are well and being kind to yourselves and resisting

wishing the world boundless empathy and a free palestine, from the river to the sea

- xalli